


all the stars were made for us

by Patentlyy



Category: Rupaul’s drag race
Genre: 90sCollege AU, Angst, Crystal is the stereotypical art kid, Drinking, Drug Use, F/F, Fluff, Gigi is a sorority girl, GoodeMethyd, Homophobia, Lesbian AU, Slowburn(I think), Smut, crygi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:00:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 31,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24364687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Patentlyy/pseuds/Patentlyy
Summary: It’s 1998, and a new semester has just started. Gigi’s in the closet, Crystal’s in denial and LA is officially the worst place on earth; but what’s the college experience without a little self-discovery?
Relationships: Gigi Goode/Crystal Methyd
Comments: 63
Kudos: 184





	1. no time for nameless faces

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoy✨✨✨

If you had told Crystal a year ago, that she’d be majoring in art at one of the most prestigious colleges in the country, she probably would’ve laughed. Nonetheless here she was, wandering the seemingly never ending campus trying to find her class for the umpteenth time during her first week.  
Nothing about her small town life could have prepared her for hustle and bustle of the city. All the movies she had marvelled at in her childhood bedroom couldn’t compare at all to the real thing.  
LA was an enigma to her. She looked at her surroundings with childlike wonder, here in the city of angels where the golden hour never end and even the grass and the palm trees looked like they were made out of plastic; Crystal was utterly out of her depth.

The people walked by her without so much as a glance in her direction, their expensive sunglasses concealing every imperfection in front of them as they strode purposefully towards their goals one foot in front of the other.  
They sipped their overpriced coffee and ignored Crystal whenever she politely asked for their help to find her way.

She didn’t blame them, despite it being a lot warmer than she was used to, LA was a decidedly cold and unforgiving place. She had learnt within her first days here that if she were to succeed, she would need to find a way to do it on her own.  
So she went to her classes, didn’t try to make friends and spent her free time sat in various places across campus, watching the native Californians like she was on some kind of safari.

Crystal wasn’t thriving here by any means, in fact she felt a thousand times more lonely here, completely surrounded by people, than she ever had in her small town. she was determined to stick it out however, she couldn’t let her scholarship go to waste considering just how hard she had worked for it.

When she finally arrived at the correct building, most of her class had already taken their seats and were working on their own projects or talking in small groups. Their professor wasn’t here yet, so she breathed a sigh of relief and pulled out her notebook, taking her seat at the very back of the room where she could stare out the window across the quad and continue her assessment of the fascinating individuals that called this strange place home.

It was then she saw it, or rather she saw them. A group of girls so outstandingly beautiful and put together they somehow managed to stand out in this city where conformity was frowned upon but everyone still tried their hardest to look just like everyone else.  
The back legs of her stool lifted off the ground as she leans closer to the window, her face nearly pressed against the glass as she tries to get a better look at them. They were a vision of pink, and even the rest of the elusive student body seemed to be watching their every move, as they tossed their hair and applied copious amounts of lipgloss. There were six of them all together, and they were laughing amongst themselves seemingly at the expense of a couple girls sat not that far away from them who she recognised from one of her other classes.

Crystal felt a pit form in her stomach at the sight. It’s not like there weren’t bitchy girls back in Missouri, but it still hurt her to see people take so much joy in tearing other people down seemingly for no reason.  
The girls on the grass got up quickly, gathered their things and hurried off in the opposite direction, causing another uproar of laughter from them before they continued talking and needlessly grooming themselves. 

Crystal rolled her eyes, and it was then she spotted one of the girls in particular, who was throwing her hair back into a high ponytail while a friend held a compact mirror in front of her. She heard the door open and close behind her, but she couldn’t tear her eyes away from this girl. Crystal doesn’t think she had ever seen anyone so beautiful, male or female, in her life; and while she wasn’t attracted to girls in the slightest, there was something about the way this gorgeous woman tossed her head back as she laughed with her friends that made her heart stop beating for just a second.

“Fucking bitches.”

Crystal turned her head away from the window, to find that another one of her classmates was stood next to her, with her arms folded and her lips pushed tightly together in a frown.

They hadn’t spoken before, but Crystal had seen her around and had often thought that she reminded her of her friends from back home, with her taste in clothing much resembling her own if not slightly more chic and stylised. 

“Who are they?” She asks the girl, finally finding her voice.

The brunette turned towards her with a light, if not perplexed smile, “You mean to tell me, you’ve been here a week and haven’t fallen victim to the wrath of Gigi Goode and her gang of clones?” There’s humor in her tone, Crystal knows she’s making a joke but is too shocked that she’s actually getting a response to laugh.

“I don’t understand- why would they pick on me?” Crystal asks in return, her voice sounding small and all too innocent.

The girl laughs at her, like she too had made a joke. “Good one, but you know that girls like them hate girls like us.”

“Girls like us?”

“Lesbians, Sweetheart.”

Crystal nearly chokes on air, looking back and forth between the gorgeous girl across the quad and the one stood next to her. “I’m not- I’m not gay...” she stutters, like idea of it is absolutely preposterous.

Her response earns another laugh from the girl, who turns to her fully now. “Yeah, and I’m not either.” She says, before extending a hand towards her and introducing herself. “I’m Jackie, by the way.”

“Crystal…” She barely manges her response, reaching out to shake Jackie’s hand still utterly surprised that someone was even acknowledging her, let alone talking to her.

“Well, Crystal,” Jackies says when she lets go of her hand, “mind if I sit with you? My spot’s been taken and you seem like someone who’ll actually talk to me.” 

Crystal laughs and nods her head, trying to refrain from looking too eager when she pulls her bag to her side of the bench and gestures to the stool next to her. “Be my guest.”

They talked quietly while they did their respective work. Crystal learns that she and Jackie are quite similar, and that while Jackie is from New York she’s struggling to fit in here as much as Crystal is. They talk about their lives back home, how they’re finding their classes and how annoying their roommates are, Crystal decides it’s best not to ask about the girl from across the quad, but she finds herself staring at her still in the gaps in their conversation. Quietly marvelling at the blonde with her yellow checked skirt and tiny white tank top.

She has a smile on her face for the rest of the class, the rest of the day even. While she’ll think back on this as the day she made her first friend at college, her heart will flutter in her chest as she remembers it to be the day she first laid eyes on Gigi Goode.


	2. I only got eyes for you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoy! I really appreciate all the love I got on the prologue, thank you all so much✨✨✨

It had been three months since she had moved to LA to start her college career, and things are going a lot better now than they had been during her first week. Crystal no longer had to stumble around campus trying to find her classes and while she still only had one real friend, she was starting to believe that Jackie Cox was an angel sent from heaven to make her life here a little less miserable.

They didn’t get to spend much time together, but they always sat at the back of the art room whenever their schedules lined up. She had learned that Jackie had attended the school last year, but had dropped out for some reason she wasn’t ready to talk about. Crystal didn’t want to push her, while it was clear Jackie thought of her as a friend they weren’t nearly close enough to be sharing traumas, and she was sure whatever had happened to Jackie last year had been traumatic.

Her roommate was a bitch, though she was a lot more upfront about it than everyone else here, who simply looked at Crystal’s somewhat eccentric style with thinly veiled disdain. She didn’t let it get to her, though Crystal had to admit she was drinking a lot more than she ever had back home. Perhaps it was her way of coping with everything, it certainly helped drown out the sound of Miranda: The Roommate from Hell and whatever random guy she decided to bring back to their shared room every night.

It was an often enough occurrence that Crystal found herself sat on the sidewalk outside of her dorm, which happened to be directly across from a certain blonde’s sorority house. She felt creepy for staring, but part of her hoped to catch a glimpse of her. She had seen Gigi around the campus a couple times, and everytime she had to fight to tear her eyes away from her. It was almost getting out of hand.

Crystal had no idea why she was so fascinated by her, sure, everyone at this school was obsessed with her; but this was different, and she couldn’t quite put into words what she felt.  
How she hadn’t so much as even made direct eye contact with Gigi, yet she was utterly enamoured by every move she made. 

Crystal just didn’t understand how someone could be so perfect, and decided that whatever she was feeling was just jealousy and she should stop comparing herself to this unattainable ideal before she hurt her own feelings.

She found herself sketching the grand windows of the house in front of her, something she rarely did but she was feeling completely uninspired and she’d run out of alcohol before she had the chance to drink herself to sleep. It was then she was approached by Jackie, and a new girl that she recognised to be one of the girls Gigi’s friends were making fun of that fateful day.

“Crystal, it’s two in the morning what are you doing out here?” Jackie asks and Crystal gets to her feet.

“You know how it is-“ she starts, “Miranda’s fucking some guy in our room and I don’t have any whiskey to numb the pain.” She jokes, though she’s not really joking.

It’s Jackie's friend that jumps in, “I have beer and fireball!” She was obviously already drunk, and she’s holding up a plastic bag as proof.

“Yeah we were just gonna head back to Rock’s to have a drink-“ 

“I’m Rock!” She interrupts from Jackie’s side.

Crystal laughs, extending a hand to her like Jackie had when they had met. “Crystal.” She says with a slight incline of her head.

Rock doesn’t go for a hand shake, instead she wraps Crystal in a sloppy hug that takes her completely by surprise. It’s nice though, and Crystal decides she likes Rock instantly.

“So is Rock your real name?” She asks with a raised eyebrow as she’s released from the girl’s surprisingly strong grip.

“Nope!” Is all she says, leaning against Jackie’s arm for support as she giggles.

“Right…” Crystal just laughs, shaking her head.

“Well-“ Jackie finally continues, “did you want to hang out?” She asks.

Before Crystal can respond Rock is chanting “Yes! Come party with us! Please! Please! Please!”

Soon enough Crystal finds herself agreeing and following the girls to Rock’s dorm, which she doesn’t have to share and is bigger than hers by a landslide.   
The girl had decorated it with bright colours and various anime posters, a bright orange shag rug covered most of the floor and she and Jackie sunk down onto it gratefully, it hadn’t taken them long at all to get from Crystal’s to Rock’s but the majority of the walk had been uphill and the girls calves were killing them. Rock came over to them holding three red solo cups and that’s probably about the last thing she really remembers from that night.

They all end up puking and crying about something or other at some point but she decides to leave all that out when she calls her friends and family back home at the end of the week. Happily sharing with them, that she’d made a new friend and that they’d had an absolute blast together.

——-

Crystal’s hanging out on the quad a week later, sketching in her book as she normally is when she catches a glimpse of the blonde bitches (as Rock so kindly named them), and realises it’s been awhile since she’d seen them around. Though to her merit, she had been making it an active goal to not look for them, but now that she had seen them she couldn’t look away even if she had wanted to.

Gigi looked beautiful today, she always did of course, but specifically today there was something different about the way she looked that had Crystal eagerly examining every inch of her that she could see. 

In the least creepy way possible of course.

Her legs were crossed one over the other, and she leant back on her arms with her head tilted back, basking in the sun as it was particularly hot for this time of year even in LA. She wasn’t paying attention to her friends, who were making snide comments to anyone that passed by as usual, in fact it looked like she was actively trying to ignore them.   
Gigi laughed at something the girl beside her said, Rock had gone through the painstaking effort of trying to teach Crystal all of their names, but for the life of her she couldn’t remember who the other girl was. She knew that she was French, and that she wasn’t nearly as bitchy as the rest of the group, she was actually rather sweet apparently. It had confused Crystal at the time, but she didn’t think to question how Rock came to that conclusion; considering she had witnessed Rock walk away with tears in her eyes multiple times after a run in with her and the rest of the girls.

Crystal leans back against the tree she sat under, her book falling uselessly into her lap. She doesn’t bother picking it back up, only uses it as an opportunity to continue regarding the blonde. She could just about hear what they were saying, though she payed the rest of her friends no mind and focused solely on Gigi. Her skin was almost glistening in the sunlight, her hair hanging across her shoulders in a way that was too perfect to be real.   
God she felt like such a creep, but really, there was nothing wrong with appreciating the beauty of another woman. Even if said woman was apparently evil incarnate, if Rock was to be believed. 

Crystal had been so caught up in her musings, she didn’t notice that a couple of the girls were now pointing at her, laughing at jokes she hadn’t heard.  
She panicked, looking back and forth between her aggressors and Gigi to see if the girl had noticed her staring.

“Yeah, take a picture, dyke! It’ll last longer!”

She wasn’t sure who had said it, but it was sure as hell directed at her. Crystal gathered her things as quickly as she could while they continued to cackle amongst themselves.

“Lesbo much?”

That one didn’t even make sense, but the rest of them found it hilarious and Crystal was far too embarrassed to make a retort.

Fuck. Where did her pen go?

It was then she chanced a look back in their direction, and if her heart was racing before she was sure it stopped entirely for a second. Gigi was looking straight at her, and it made her feel a thousand times more vulnerable than she had felt before. She wasn’t laughing, but there was a smile on her face that hadn’t been there a moment before. 

Was she enjoying this?

Was she really the type of person that enjoyed watching someone else suffer for their own amusement?

Crystal didn’t dwell on the thought, only gathered the rest of her things quickly and walked away before it got any worse.  
She reached into her pocket and pulled out a cigarette, her lighter worked after a couple clicks and soon enough the smoke was filling her lungs to capacity. Having witnessed their antics multiple times before Crystal thinks she got off rather easy. She was so embarrassed, and pissed off honestly. Hadn’t they all grown out of this in high school? 

She can still hear them laughing behind her, but it seems they may have found a new victim. Which she’s grateful of, if not still slightly upset by. Crystal let’s the smoke clear her head as it fills her lungs, she’s starting to relax already and she wants to kick herself for not standing up to them, for letting them laugh at her expense. There was something about what happened that hit way deeper than she was prepared to think about. Perhaps it was the fact that Gigi had found the whole thing as funny as her friends, or the fact that for the second time since she had started here, someone had outright assumed that she was a lesbian.

Crystal let her cigarette hang between her lips so she can pull her hair up out of her face. It was absolutely sweltering that day, and while she had planned to meet Rock and Jackie on the quad in half an hour, she thought that maybe that wasn’t so wise.

She headed back to her dorm to put some lighter clothes on, and call one of the girls about a sudden change of plan.

——-

Rock had been ecstatic when Crystal had suggested that they all hangout somewhere off campus, and had called Jackie the second they got off the phone and told her where they were going.

They found themselves a couple hours later at the beach, it wasn’t nearly as hot as it had been that afternoon but it wasn’t cold by any means. The girls sat in a circle surrounding a picnic basket Rock had brought for them that was filled with more booze than snacks. Not that they were complaining.

The sky had turned from a brilliant blue to a soft orange and down with the sun went the lively atmosphere the girls had arrived with, instead of dancing around like drunk idiots to whatever mixtape Jackie had brought along, they sat quietly giggling amongst themselves. 

“Okay real talk-“ Jackie started, the girls laughing at her slightly slurred words. “I’m so happy I have you guys! Fuck! I was miserable when I first got here!” She exclaims spilling a little beer on the sand as she talks with her hands. 

“Oh me too! If I hadn’t spilt my Hot Cheetos all over your white shirt I would never have met either of you!” Rock laughs along, to which Jackie smiles at the memory and raises her drink in a toast.

“To Hot Cheetos!” They all cheer, and Crystal doesn’t think she’s ever laughed as much as she does with these guys.

There’s a moment of pause while their giggles die down before Rock speaks again, “Crystal, are you feeling better about earlier?” Her tone is more serious than crystal had ever heard her speak before.

“Yes! Of course, I’m fine…” She answers, not taking a second to really think about her answer.

Jackie raises a hand and puts it gently on her shoulder. “That’s good, the first time’s always the hardest, kiddo.”

Crystal smiles at the nickname.

“Yeah… and I can’t believe they called you a ‘Dyke’!” Rock sounds a little angry this time, and while Crystal’s grateful to have such considerate friends, she kinda wishes they’d just move on.

“Look guys, it wasn’t the first time and it won’t be the last I’m sure…” Crystal interjects, looking between the two.

Jackie laughs awkwardly. “Yeah I’m sorry about that, but in my defence I’m rarely wrong about these things- and I was sure you were gay.”

Crystal shakes her head. “Honestly, don’t worry about it, it happened all the time back home. It really doesn’t bother me that much.”

“And you’re sure you’re not a little gay?” Rock asks, throwing her hair over her shoulder for dramatic effect.  
Crystal goes to say no, but nearly chokes on her beer when Rock continues, “oh c’mon, you've never seen a hot girl walk by and felt all weak at the knees?” She’s wiggling her eyebrows suggestively and posing like a 1950’s swimsuit model when she says it.

Crystal would blame it entirely on the alcohol, but an image of Gigi pops into her mind, in that tight pink mini skirt and Crystal feels her cheeks flush.

“No! Never!” She protests, but falls into a fit of giggles causing her friends to burst out laughing with her.

“Crystal’s got a crush on a girl! Crystal’s got a crush on a girl!” Jackie starts to chant, along with Rock who got to her feet to run circles around them, clapping gleefully like a child as she tried to sing along in between laughs.

Crystal shakes her head, taking another sip of her beer and willing her blush to go away. “You guys are the fucking worst.”

When she looks up again, Rock’s heading towards the water, her shorts are halfway down her legs as she tries to get them off whilst running. 

Jackie’s looking at her like a proud mother, she finishes her drink quickly before she asks, “So, who’s the girl?”

Crystal lays back on the sand, her beer still in hand and props herself up on an elbow to watch the scene in front of her. She chuckles lightly watching Rock race into the water and start splashing around, clearly a lot more drunk than the other girls and having the best time ever.  
It takes Crystal a second to respond. “It’s honestly nothing… I’ve never even talked to her and I don’t think I’m like- attracted to her y’know?” Crystal stutters, partly because she’s drunk and partly because she doesn’t know how to word herself.

Suddenly Jackie looks like an old wise owl as she stares down at the younger girl pensively. “I understand,” it’s all she says for a moment, giving Crystal a chance to elaborate if she wants to.

“I just-“ She starts, her mouth suddenly feeling a little dry. “I just think she’s… very pretty.” 

It’s an understatement, but it’s about as far as Crystal is willing to follow that train of thought.

All of a sudden, Rock is shouting at them from the water, begging them to join her. Jackie drops her questioning and Crystal is ultimately grateful the conversation is over.  
They race to the water hand in hand to join their friend and it’s only a moment later they’re giggling like kids again.

——-

Crystal’s clothes are still completely soaked when she gets back to her room. It’s 3AM on a Saturday and thankfully there’s no sign of her roommate. Everyone else on campus is probably still out partying meaning Crystal may actually be able to get into a deep sleep before Miranda gets back. There’s an open bottle of whiskey on her desk that she swigs as she undresses, leaving her wet clothes in her overflowing hamper and promising herself that she’ll do her laundry tomorrow.   
She’s looking out the window, as she buttons up one of her larger flannels to sleep in. There’s a light on in the house across from her, she thinks it’s odd since usually all the sorority girls are the last to return home.   
There’s someone in the window, and she doesn’t want to look, especially after the events of that day but curiosity gets the best of her.   
Her breath catches in her throat, there’s a warm yellow glow emitting from between the baby pink curtains, and there right in the center is Gigi.  
She feels sick, though that’s probably from all the alcohol. 

Crystal isn’t sure if she’s smiling or not, but she can tell that she’s looking straight back at her. It feels strange to be regarded like this, by her of all people.   
Crystal grips her curtain but can’t bring herself to pull it over. It’s the second time she’s made eye contact with Gigi Goode, albeit at a distance but it makes her feel nauseous and almost giddy all at the same time. She’s wearing a robe, and she allows it to slip down her arms as she tosses her hair over her shoulder. It’s like something clicks in Crystal’s brain, and she pulls the curtain shut with a little more force than necessary.

Her heart’s fluttering in her chest as she backs away from the window, taking her bottle of whiskey with her as she grabs her jacket and slips on a pair of sneakers, heading out the back of the building to avoid seeing her again. She needs a cigarette to calm her nerves a little before she can go to bed. Why was the sight of her enough to send Crystal spiralling? It’s not like she had a crush on her or anything. 

Crystal didn’t get much sleep that night, she was far too drunk and far too confused. Little did she know that this would become part of her routine, that eventually she wouldn’t be able to sleep at all, just knowing that Gigi was just across the street.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check of my tumblr for updates and whatnot @thisblogisahatecrime 💖
> 
> Lemme know what you guys think!


	3. I don’t wanna sober up (part 1)

Jackie threw another dress over Crystal’s already burdened arms. She was anxiously searching through rack after rack trying to find the perfect outfit for that night. Crystal didn’t even understand why she wanted them to go to this party so badly, it’s not like they had ever gone to one together before.  
Well that was a lie, they had technically attended three, all of which had ended disastrously which begged the question: why was this so important to her? 

Rock had been the one to suggest they go, and Crystal had wholeheartedly expected Jackie to be the voice of reason as she usually was and talk her down but of course not, the one party that Crystal doesn’t want to attend Jackie is dying to go to.   
While Crystal feels bad for doing so, she’s been faking sick all day so she doesn’t have to go. It’s obvious Jackie sees right through her little charade, when she insists that Crystal at least goes shopping with them, and that’s how she finds herself buried under a pile of clothes in the dressing room. With Jackie getting more frustrated by the minute and Rock dancing around in various hideous dresses that are even too much for Crystal’s taste.

She’s sipping her coffee quietly, she usually liked shopping but she was bored out of her skull, and had far too much on her mind to focus on what was going on around her. 

It was the start of spring already, Crystal honestly doesn’t know how she’d survived a whole semester. It had been nice to get away for a while, to see all her friends back home that she had missed so much. Coming back had been easier than she’d anticipated, though upon arriving at her dorm she’d been confronted with the reason she had wanted to leave in the first place. She had thought that maybe some separation would have given her some clarity, that maybe having spent some time with her old high school boyfriend would fix whatever was wrong with her.

It was wishful thinking. Crystal knew that the second she looked out of her dorm window that first night, and saw Gigi, reading a book and wearing next to nothing as usual. Whatever feelings she had managed to suppress over break came flooding back with abundance, but she was determined not to let it get the best of her this time. Her plan was going well so far, Crystal would just have to avoid her at all costs, and that included not going to dumb frat parties.

“Where did you say you met these girls?” Jackie’s voice breaks her out of her musings.

Rock stumbles out of her stall, turning around so Jackie could zip up her dress. “They’re just friends of a friend…” she trails off, almost as if she’s being deliberately vague. “they seem like fun though. If they say this party is gonna be sick then I think you’d have to be a total dumbass to want to miss it.” Her tone is pointed, and she’s looking at Crystal with puppy dog eyes.

“You know what? I think you’re right, but if Crystal wants to stay home and be boring then that’s her business.” Jackie’s trying not to laugh as she talks, and Crystal responds with an overly dramatic sigh.

“I told you guys! I really don’t feel great.” She sounds whiny but she can’t help it, they’ve been nagging on at her all day.

Rock gives her a sympathetic smile, which turns into a cheeky grin. “But what if your girl crush is there?”

Jackie slaps Rock playfully on the arm. 

“For the last time- I’m not gay!” Crystal declares, a little louder than she had wanted to and earned herself a glare from one of the store clerks.

Jackie takes genuine pity on her, regarding her with concern as she often did.  
Crystal put her face in her hands, resting her elbows on her knees.  
“Are you really not feeling good?” She asks, and all crystal can do is shake her head back and forth. It’s not like it was a total lie, she was a little too hungover for comfort. Jackie sighs, and walks over to lift some of the clothes off Crystal’s lap. “Why don’t you head home and rest up for a bit, and we can reevaluate this party situation later?”   
She adds the last part for Rock’s benefit, knowing full well that there was little chance of Crystal wanting to go to a frat party even if she wasn’t unwell.

Crystal doesn’t put up any fight, and just gives her friends a hug each, thanking them for understanding. Soon enough she’s on her way home, and after an excruciatingly long walk she’s hopping into bed in the middle of the day. She knows her roommate isn’t going to be back today, so before she takes a nap she sends a quick message to Jackie, telling her to stop by and show her the dresses they picked out.

——-

It was nearly 6PM when Jackie and Rock finally arrived at her room, they agreed that the girls were going to get ready for tonight at her dorm as it was the closest to the frat house that was hosting the party. Crystal was sat in her desk chair, drinking a glass of rosé with Jackie and Rock was sat on the floor putting her makeup on. The dresses they picked looked beautiful on them, they were nice enough but not overly fancy considering they were probably going to get drenched in spilt beer by the end of the night.

It was obvious enough at this point that Crystal had no intention of changing her mind, and even Rock had long since given up asking. So they enjoyed the time they had together before the girls went out for the night, and Crystal stayed home to finish up some stuff for class on Monday. 

“Okay,” Rock says, finally setting down her makeup. “What do you guys think?” She asks eagerly.

“You look hot.” Jackie chuckles, pushing her hair behind her ear.

“Yeah,” Crystal agrees. “You look super hot.” 

Rock gets to her feet and wraps both of her friends in a quick hug. “Aww! You guys are just saying that!” She giggles, settling down next to Jackie on the bed. She hops up and down on it but stops when Jackie scolds her for nearly spilling her wine.  
They all laugh and Rock asks for what Crystal hopes is the last time, “Are you sure you don’t want to come? You won’t get to meet my cool new friends!”

Crystal forces a little chuckle and sends Jackie a quick pleading look. “I really don’t wanna be a downer tonight guys, I’m sure Jackie will tell me all about Noell and?” She looks to Rock for clarity.

“Molly.” She answers, crossing her legs and pulling down the hem of her dress in an unusually ladylike manner for Rock.

“Yeah and they’re still here for another couple of days, maybe we could all hangout together another time?” Jackie interjects, wrapping an arm around Rock’s shoulders. 

Rock sighs loudly and gets to her feet again. “Gosh you guys baby me too much. Now let’s do shots!” 

Crystal can barely keep up with the older girl, but doesn’t bat an eye when a few seconds later she’s presented with a cup with a much-too-large amount of fireball in the bottom. “Jesus, Rock!” She laughs, looking over at Jackie who’s looking at her drink like she was just handed a cup of urine.

“This is way more than a shot…” Jackie says, holding the cup away from her.

Rock doesn’t reply, only downs her drink which was probably twice the size of theirs. “Okay your turn.”

Crystal resists the urge to gag as she brings the cup to her mouth tilting her head back as she tries to swallow it all in one mouthful. Jackie’s staring at her in disbelief and Rock’s cheering her on when she finishes and wipes off the liquid that had spilt down her chin.

“Aww! Do you need a bib?” Jackie coos, taking Crystal’s empty cup from her and trying to pour a little of her drink inside it.

“Hey! No fair, if I had to do it then so do you!” Crystal laughs and takes her cup back.

“Damn right she does!” Rock adds, already pouring herself another.

Jackie sighs and rolls her eyes. “You guys are the fucking worst.” She says, right before she bucks up and takes the shot with more ease than either of her friends, not even flinching when it burns her throat. 

“Oh! Mom’s going hard tonight!” Rock cheers, clapping before doing another shot of her own.

Jackie reaches over to the desk and places her cup down, before leaning back and propping herself with an elbow on the bed. “Don’t call me Mom in public!” She jibes back playfully, earning an uproar of giggles from her friends.

Rock changes the subject swiftly as usual when she stops laughing, sighing dramatically and throwing herself down on Crystal’s roommates empty bed. “Fuck! I hope I get laid tonight!” She chuckles, throwing an arm across her forehead daintily. “The old razzle-dazzle just ain’t doing it anymore…”

Jackie nods in agreement, pouring her and Crystal another glass of wine. “Tell me about it! I think I’ve masturbated more in the first semester of college than I ever did in highschool.” 

Rock bursts out laughing, kicking her legs. “Bitch! Me! To!” She giggles, nearly spilling her drink all over the bed.

Crystal just blushed furiously, hiding her face behind the rim of her glass. It wasn’t like she was some innocent child, but she certainly wasn’t used to people talking about such things so openly, around her anyway. Her friends back home had always felt quite comfortable joking about it but they had never included Crystal in the conversation. Not that she had much experience at all with the topic at hand anyway.

“If I had a dollar for everytime I’d considered going back to men just so I wouldn’t have to get myself off-“ Jackie doesn’t finish her sentence and Crystal is pretty sure Rock has tears in her eyes from laughing so hard.

Rock has fully slid off the bed at this point, her dress is completely wrinkled but she’s obviously far too tipsy to care. “Fuck! Crystal you must love it now you’re roommate’s always at her boyfriend’s.” She says, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. 

Jackie giggles along with her, saying something like “Oh I bet she is” while she takes a sip of her wine.

Crystal doesn’t think she has felt this uncomfortable since her valedictorian speech, and suddenly she can’t hear her Alanis Morissette CD over the sound of blood rushing to her ears. “Oh- um… yeah that’s not really been an issue-“ She stutters, cutting herself off by taking a swig of her drink. 

Rock is howling with laughter and Jackie’s looking at her amused and perplexed. “What do you mean not an issue? Do you not…?”

“Oh! Do you like an audience?” Rock slurs, giggling as she reaches to drink straight from her bottle of Vodka.

Jackie rests a hand on Crystal’s knee as she chuckles.   
Crystal shakes her head, awkwardly laughing and wishing that she could vanish into thin air.   
“No! It’s just- can we talk about something else?”

“Oh Sweetie, I’m sorry! We didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable-“ Jackie puts a hand over her mouth to try and stop herself from laughing but she seems sincere enough that Crystal feels bad for ruining their fun. 

“It’s fine, really I just-“ she pauses, not sure how to word herself. “I haven’t really ever like- done that? Y’know?”

Jackie nods her head in understanding while Rock just keeps laughing. “You mean to tell me you’ve never masturbated before?” 

Crystal doesn’t think she’s ever blushed harder in her life, and thinks to herself that she really ought to stop drinking when she admits, “No, like I’ve tried it but it’s never really… worked?”

Rock is just staring at her like she’s grown another head.

“You mean you’ve never had an orgasm?” Jackie asks before Rock bursts out laughing once again, probably making the girl feel worse.

Crystal just shakes her head. “I don’t think so at least…”

“Oh you’d know if you had.” Rock giggles.

Jackie finishes her wine in one long swig. “Look, don’t worry about it. I didn’t even figure it out until I started hooking up with this girl last year.”

Rock whips her head between the girls. “Oh shit wait she doesn’t know does she?” She asks Jackie who just shakes her head no.

It was Crystal’s turn to look confused now, she hopped out of her seat and made her way across to her mini fridge, pulling out a beer for herself and another two. “Wait, what did I miss?” She sits back down, grateful the attention is off of her for a minute.

Jackie sighs and takes a beer from Crystal’s hand. At this point they were all a little too drunk to care about mixing drinks. “Okay so when I was here last year, before I dropped out.” She clarifies, “I kinda dated this girl Jan, y’know before she had to transfer to another school because her dad found out about us…”

“Wait, is that why you dropped out?” Crystal asks.

Jackie pauses before she continues, trying to find the easiest way of explaining it to her. “Jan’s dad was a professor here, so when he found out about us and basically disowned her- she decided to go to college in New York and I dropped out to go with her.”  
There’s a look that passes over her face that Crystal doesn’t really recognise, but she moves to sit next to her anyway.  
“But things didn’t really go well, we just wanted different things I guess…” Jackie finished. 

Rock joined them on the bed, wrapping an arm around Jackie. “But who knows?” She shrugs, trying to look hopeful. “Things might change tonight.”

Jackie nods her head, before remembering that this was all news to Crystal. “Jan’s coming to the party tonight with some of her old sorority sisters.”

It all clicks suddenly, and Crystal feels a little worse about not wanting to go. “Oh… and you’re gonna show her what she’s missing?” She tries to joke, raising an eyebrow and earning a giggle from Rock.

Jackie puts on a big smile and sits up straighter. “I sure am!” She says, easing her beer in a toast. 

The other girls follow suit, clinking their bottles together as Rock cheers, “To Sorority girls!”

“And all the shit that comes along with ‘em!”

They all laughed harder than they had that night, none of them really understood how true that statement was for the other girls but it was already getting late and at this point the party would be well on its way. They lightened the tone, thinking they’d done enough over-sharing for one night. After a few more drinks and a lot more laughs Crystal ushers the stumbling girls out of her room, they were probably too drunk to be going anywhere but Jackie assured her that the walk would sober them up before they got there.

The room suddenly felt so empty without the contagious laughter of her friends. Crystal pulled another bottle of beer out of her fridge and sat at her desk. It was cold out, and she was sure her roommate wouldn’t be back until Monday, so she cracked a window and lit up a cigarette. It wasn’t an unusual occurrence for Crystal to be drunk alone in her room, with nothing but music and her increasingly intrusive thoughts to keep her company.

She decides maybe she ought to get some work done, she never thought there’d be a day where she dreaded picking up her sketchbook but it’s like there’s been a hole in her chest since she got here. She had passed it off for long enough as missing her friends, assumed that she would get her inspiration and drive back once she really settled in, but it’s the spring semester and even her teachers noted that her work (whilst still impressive) was lacking in comparison to her earlier submissions.  
It was easy to get inspired back home, when her head was full of countless ideas and possibilities at any given time. She could spend hours just painting in her room, enjoying the quiet and letting her imagination run wild, finding beauty in even the most mundane things.   
But here the silence was deafening, and her head was far too full to decipher any coherent thought. Even when she wasn’t utterly intoxicated, all her thoughts and ideas seemed to overlap and blend into one another until she was staring at a page full of nonsense that looked more like a cry for help than a piece of abstract art. 

Crystal flicked through the pages of her book, seeing how her drawings blended into portraits. How in every sky she could see a glimpse of an eye, a delicate nose and a pair of perfectly pouted lips. She ran a hand through her hair, it was an artist's curse to be over dramatic. She wore a bleeding heart on her sleeve and while it had benefited her before she sorely wished she could just stop feeling for a minute.

She looked up from her page and searched the street below her, and the house that sat on the other side.   
Gigi wasn’t in her window as she often was, but Crystal had known that already. Though she could still see her there, so clearly. Crystal thinks that even in the distorted image in her mind she was still the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. 

Crystal lights another cigarette, finishes her drink and gets to work. By the time she’s done she feels nauseous but oddly at peace, like she can finally breathe for a second. The image that stares up at her is taunting, and she doesn’t think twice about pushing aside her sketchbook and calling it a night.   
It was just as she reached to put out her light that her phone starting ringing beside her. She contemplated letting it ring for a moment, before deciding to at least see who was calling her this late.

It was Rock, which while odd wasn’t unusual. She decides to answer her, and when she thinks back on that choice later she doesn’t know if she should’ve just gone to sleep instead.


	4. I don’t wanna sober up (part 2)

When Crystal arrives at the frat house Rock is waiting for her outside, she’s still very much drunk from earlier so she doesn’t think to question it when she sees her standing with Nicky and two girls she doesn’t recognise. They’re all passing around a joint, and when she approaches Rock offers it to her. 

“Thank God you’re here! I’ve been looking for her everywhere but I swear she’s not here!” Rock looks stressed and out of the corner of her eye Crystal sees Nicky peel away from the two with the other girls. 

Crystal takes a long drag from the aforementioned joint and looks around her nervously. “And you’re sure that she’s not just gone home?” She asks, though she already knows the answer.

Rock’s makeup is a little smudged, like she’d been crying at some point. “No, she’s supposed to be sleeping over tonight so she doesn’t get into another fight with her roommate- and she wouldn’t have left without telling me…”

Crystal hands the joint back to Rock and rubs a hand down her arm comfortingly. If it had been Rock that had disappeared she wouldn’t have been as worried, as childlike as she could be she was fully capable of taking care of herself, and it wouldn’t have been unexpected by any means.  
This was Jackie however, who was always the one taking care of the girls and being the responsible adult. She wouldn’t have just left without at least saying goodbye, and this was a frat party. All of the girls had had enough uncomfortable run-ins with frat boys to know what they could be like. If Jackie was missing it was more than concerning but Crystal was sure there was a logical explanation.

“Look, I’m gonna go inside and look for her, you stay here and keep trying her cell.”  
Crystal barely waits for a response before she heads towards the doors, she could see Nicky making her way over to them and she’d rather not interact with her if she could avoid it. Even if Rock did claim that she wasn't as mean as the rest of her friends. 

The second she steps into the house she’s reminded of why she didn’t want to come to this party in the first place. It’s nearing 3AM and the night is far from over. Crystal feels incredibly underdressed in the sea of warm bodies in skimpy dresses and impossibly high heels. She laps the ground floor a couple times, finding no sign of Jackie anywhere. Crystal decides to go upstairs, where she feels considerably less claustrophobic, before she realises that there’s a ridiculous amount of rooms and she’ll logically have to check all of them to be sure. 

The floor is sticky, and the lights are all shut off sparing a couple ugly neon signs that lined the walls sporadically. There’s graffiti on every possible surface, a lot of obscenities and crudely drawn penises considering this was supposed to be one of the most respectable fraternities on campus. Crystal resists the urge to gag as she steps over a used condom and opens the door to the first room. It’s empty of course, and she sighs frustrated and continues her search.

It’s 20 minutes later, and there’s still another floor to go. Crystal’s making her way upstairs when she hears a guy yelling, it’s not super loud but she can tell he’s mad, there’s a loud crashing sound like something heavy has been thrown at a wall. She instantly panics, assuming the worst. Crystal stops where she is, halfway up the staircase and before she can think about it, her phone vibrates in her pocket. She pulls it out and lets out a sigh of relief. Jackie’s cell died and she couldn’t find Rock so she just went home. That’s one mystery solved. The smell of cigarette smoke fills her nose as a door opens at the top of the staircase.

“You’re a fucking cunt you know that?”

It’s the same guy she heard yelling a moment ago, and she can see the back of him as he continues fighting with whoever’s in the room. 

“Oh don’t worry Sweetheart, I’m well aware.”

Crystal doesn’t recognise the voice, but it’s full of malice, and there’s a slight quiver to it that makes her think that they’re having to force themself to fight back. 

Crystal can’t tell what’s going on, and she briefly contemplates walking away but curiosity and an urge to help keep her feet planted firmly where they are, just out of sight but close enough to hear what’s going on.

She can see the guy take a step back into the room.

“Get the fuck off me!” 

The voice is female, and Crystal can tell she’s in pain. She suddenly feels very sick and pulls out her phone to call for help but before she can there’s another loud bang and the guy is turning around, ready to storm down the stairs. 

Crystal gets as close to the railing as she can, he’s taking the steps two at a time and barrelling towards her.

“The fuck are you doing here, Dyke?” 

He’s wearing a red shirt with his fraternity on it, and wiping at his nose aggressively.

“I- l was just looking for a bathroom-“ She stutters, her heart racing in her chest.

His demeanour changes quickly and he throws his head nonchalantly to the side. “It’s right up there.” He doesn’t stop, only continues marching down the steps. 

Crystal takes a second to breathe, he’s already on the ground floor by the time she pulls herself together. What the hell was going on?  
It’s eerily quiet up here now, and she can hear someone softly sniffling and her heart sinks. There’s smoke coming from the open door, and suddenly Crystal feels like the party is a million miles away. 

She tries to stop herself, but she can’t help it. If it was one of her friends in there she’d want someone to check on them right? Right.

Crystal flinches when she hears the stairs creak beneath her feet as she finally climbs to the top floor. She stops outside of the open door, before pushing it open as softly as she could.

Her heart jumps into her throat, and she has to swallow it down before she chokes. 

She’s sitting on the bed, one leg crossed delicately over the other. The image of perfection and Crystal almost forgets what she had witnessed moments before.

Gigi speaks first, and there’s no trace of the anger that was there before in her voice. “Oh, it’s you.” It’s all she says, and of all the things Crystal was expecting her to say that was very far down on the list. 

Gigi’s looking at her with an emotion she can’t quite place. Her face is stoic but there’s something there, underneath. 

Crystal can’t remember how to breathe. Clearly her plan of avoiding the party for this very reason was going swimmingly.

“I’m sorry, I- I was just looking for my friend.” She stutters, and she instantly feels embarrassed. 

Gigi exhales a mouthful of smoke before she smiles tightly. “Well she’s not here…”

She’s far more intimidating up close, and even more beautiful. 

“Yeah, I can see that…” Crystal sounds like an idiot, and she can tell that Gigi wants her to leave. Her eyes are glazed over like she’s about to cry and wants nothing more than to soothe her. She doesn’t know her at all, and she’s pretty sure that Gigi dislikes if not hates her, but she can still hear the shouting if she tries hard enough and it sets her on edge. “I’ll leave but… are you okay?” 

“Why wouldn’t I be okay?” She answers back quickly, taking Crystal by surprise.

Crystal’s still awkwardly hanging in the doorway, she knows that’s not true and wants to protest but she can barely think in full sentences let alone speak in them. “I heard you guys fighting- it sounded pretty intense…”

Gigi smiles at her again, and it’s different than before, like she’s trying to stay in control. She sniffles again and reaches over to drop her cigarette in the ashtray on the bedside table.  
“Well your concern is endearing but unnecessary.”

Crystal can see from where she stood, as Gigi reached an arm out under the light from the table lamp that there’s a red mark on her wrist, like fingerprints. She swallows thickly before asking, “Did he do anything?” 

Gigi seems to know what she’s referring to and her stoic mask slips for just a second. “Aside from ruining a three hundred dollar dress? No, he did not.” Gigi stands up and makes her way over to the dresser a few feet away.

Her back is turned to Crystal, but she can see her reflection in the mirror as she examines the damage. Her hands are shaking just a little as she reaches across her front to smooth down the lilac satin. She still holds herself with more poise than Crystal has ever had in her life.  
She reaches a perfectly manicured hand up to wipe away a tear, their eyes meet in the mirror. It’s only for a second but Crystal would swear it felt like a lifetime.  
Gigi’s obviously vulnerable, as much as she’s trying to hide it. Crystal feels perverted, like she’s getting some kind of sick enjoyment out of this situation, knowing full well that ordinarily Gigi wouldn’t so much as utter a word to her.  
Gigi turns around suddenly.

“Can I borrow your shirt?”

Crystal glances down at herself quickly before nodding. “Of course.” She winces when she hears herself, she sounds way too eager.

It’s her favourite. A cute baby blue colour with little yellow and pink lines all over it. She found it at a thrift store when she was thirteen and has worn it nearly everyday since. It looks good on her, she thinks it’ll look even better on Gigi.

She’s walking towards Crystal before she could even finish that train of thought. Crystal instinctively takes a step back and doesn’t miss the way Gigi’s lips curve into a small smile as she does. Her hand brushes against Crystal’s hip as she passes her.  
Crystal holds back a shudder and watches her cross the hall, entering the bathroom. She doesn’t shut the door behind her and Crystal debates whether or not she should follow her. She debates whether or not she even wants to. Gigi’s fixing her hair in the mirror and their eyes meet again like they had moments before.

“Come here.” Gigi says, like she knows that Crystal needs to be told, and suddenly she’s following her lead regardless.  
Once Crystal reaches the doorway, Gigi turns around and snakes an arm around Crystal’s waist. Her heart starts racing immediately and she’s all too aware of how close she is to the other girl. She opens her mouth to question the action but can’t form words when she looks up and her face is inches away from the blonde’s. Gigi’s smiling, and all Crystal can think about is how nice her perfume is before the door is pulled shut behind her and Gigi’s pulling her arm away again. 

Crystal can’t think straight. The moment is all too surreal and she can’t even remember how she came to be in this situation.  
She remembers the day she first saw her, and that day on the quad, and that first night she had seen Gigi in her bedroom window, and every night she had spent drunk and too tired to sleep plagued with thoughts of her. 

She’s pulling her dress over her head and Crystal feels like all the air has been sucked out of her lungs, she’s blushing furiously and she thinks she’s dreaming. “I could’ve waited in the hall…”

Gigi has a look on her face that could only be described as amused, and it’s then she realises that this girl is incredibly hard to read. “What fun would that be?” She drops the dress to the side of her and pauses for a moment, looking at Crystal intently, before letting out a soft giggle, it’s the most amazing sound Crystal has ever heard.

“Take it off.” 

Crystal knows she means the shirt but she thinks Gigi’s being vague on purpose. Why exactly she can’t wrap her head around but she does as she’s told and slips the shirt off her shoulders and hands it to her wordlessly.

Gigi pulls the shirt on and Crystal selfishly takes in as much of her as she can as she starts to button it up. It’s then she realises that Gigi isn’t wearing any shoes, making Crystal only an inch shorter than her.

“Thank you,” She says, looking at Crystal but not making eye contact. Crystal suddenly feels a little self conscious. The moment somehow feels more intimate than it had when she was standing in just her underwear and Gigi avoids her gaze suddenly. She reaches behind her again to open the door and this time Crystal doesn’t flinch but misses the contact when she pulls away. 

“Anytime...” Crystal mutters quietly, and Gigi’s close enough to hear her clearly. She feels a hand on hers and the next thing she knows Gigi’s pulling her back towards the bedroom, dropping her hand when they get into the hallway. Gigi disappears inside the room and re-emerges a moment later wearing a pair of baby pink heels.

“Walk me out?” She says it like it’s a question but doesn’t wait for an answer, she starts walking down a hallway the complete opposite way of the stairs. Crystal follows her blindly until they reach a fire door that leads to another flight of stairs but on the outside of the building.

Crystal briefly contemplates going to find Rock but it’s short lived when Gigi turns back and gives her a soft smile. It was clear then that Gigi could jump off a cliff and Crystal would probably join her. They walked silently for a while, the campus streets were completely empty and there was no one around to see them together.  
She feels awkward and tries to think of something to say. Her head was spinning, she could barely comprehend what had happened. It was like the ultimate collision of reality and the world she had been fostering inside her head. She didn’t understand how someone could make her feel this way, she knew logically that Gigi had just taken advantage of her kind nature and lack of social status when she had been vulnerable; but a part of her, that she’d been hopelessly trying to ignore for months now was reeling at the thought that this was the start of something more.

The object of her torment walked beside her, so close that their arms brushed occasionally. Whilst Gigi had regained every ounce of her composure Crystal knew that this version of her was a far cry from the one she had watched stalk across campus with her friends. It was alarming and exhilarating and ultimately confusing.

“You don’t have to look so scared, I don’t bite.” Gigi sounds dead serious, her face is a blank mask and she looks straight ahead of her. 

Crystal doesn’t know how to respond, but she finds her voice after a second. “Can you blame me?”

Gigi’s searching the street, as if she’s expecting someone to jump out at any second. She doesn’t answer her question directly and avoids looking at her. “I’m sorry about what happened, my friends can be the worst sometimes.” It sounds sincere.

It’s the second semester, and Crystal knows countless other girls who’d experienced the same treatment Gigi was referring to. None of them have ever gotten close to an apology, or acknowledgement of any wrongdoing. Honestly, she’s just surprised Gigi even remembers. 

“It’s fine,” She says. “Happens all the time…” it wasn’t a lie, but Crystal can’t help but feel like it’s somehow her fault anyway.

Gigi’s quiet for a moment, mulling over her response. “Well, are you?” She asks after a moment. 

Crystal nearly trips over her own feet. “If you’re asking if I’m gay, I’m not.” She answers quickly, the words all but stumbling out of her mouth.  
Her cheeks are burning, and she chances a glance at Gigi. She’s smiling like Crystal just told a joke and she wants a black hole to appear and suck her into nothingness.

Gigi slows to a stop, and Crystal realises that they’re standing outside of her dorm building.  
She turns to face her and studies her face for a beat too long. “Thanks for walking me home.” her voice is soft and deliberate. 

Crystal swears her brain short circuits everytime she looks her in the eye. “You’re welcome…”

Gigi smirks at her again, and after a second turns around and starts heading across the street to her house. All Crystal can do is stare after her. “I’m keeping the shirt.” She says, without turning back for a second.

“Looks better on you anyway.” Crystal responds without really meaning to, her cheeks flare hot pink again and she’s thankful it’s so cold out. She can hear Gigi laugh, and watches her until she’s out of sight. 

Just like that, whatever this had been was over as quickly as it had started.

It’s like Crystal can feel her absence, she shivers the second Gigi is safely inside the house and nearly sprints back up to her room. Her mind suddenly catches up with her as she shuts the door behind her, she quickly looks for her roommate and upon discovering that she is indeed alone she allows herself to freak out.  
She thinks about calling a friend, but she knows both girls are probably asleep or too drunk to talk and she doesn’t think she could speak right now if she tried. Is this what a heart attack feels like?

She sits in her desk chair, barely registering what she’s doing as she reaches for her pack of cigarettes. There’s still half-empty bottles everywhere, Rock’s makeup was scattered all over the floor and Jackie's wine glasses sat on her desk; remnants of earlier that night and it feels like a lifetime has passed since then.

The smoke is burning her lungs and the smell of vodka makes her feel sick but she drinks it anyway. Her heart feels like it’s being compacted inside her chest, the physical effect Gigi had had on her body lingers and she feels dirty. Crystal closes her eyes and all she can see is her. She’s trying to block it out before things get any worse. Whatever she had been avoiding had become increasingly harder to ignore.

Her sketchbook is still open, and she feels like Gigi is staring back at her through the page. She puts it in her drawer and goes back to her musings. She can’t sit still, she wants nothing more than to talk to her friends, share this thing she feels like she’s suddenly been burdened with. Something tells her to keep this to herself, and while she’s never been great at bottling things up she thinks she can try.

All she can do when she finally goes to bed is lay there in silence, willing herself to fall asleep. Crystal thinks she’s learnt something about herself and that terrifies her more than anything.

She lay there in two halves, conflicted and full of dread. This was the start of something for sure, and whether or not Gigi would have a part to play in the future was unknown; regardless, she had been the catalyst.


	5. scattered with different parts of me

Gigi had always hated having a routine, and while it’s necessity and value had been instilled in her from childhood, the idea of getting out of bed everyday just to do the same thing over and over again left her wishing she didn’t have to get out of bed at all. She had shared the sentiment with her mother once, when she was young. It wasn’t the first time her mother had scolded her for a difference in opinion, and by far it wasn’t the last but she often found herself remembering that day. She had only asked to stay home from school, her mother had put it plain and simply that the family had a reputation to uphold, and Gigi was to play her role and do as she was told. It wasn’t a remarkable event, she’s not sure why she remembers it so well honestly. Maybe it was because she’d heard her usually stoic mother raise her voice ever so slightly, or it could have been the first time she saw the disappointment in her mother’s eyes, as she’d stamped her little feet and demanded it wasn’t fair.  
Moments like that were far from uncommon in the Goode household, in fact they must have been a daily occurrence until she had started high school. It wasn’t that she had changed necessarily, but she had learnt eventually that if she were to be a part of this family she’d have to play by their rules.

Gigi played the role of the perfect daughter very well, in fact she played it so well that most people had forgotten there was a time in her life when she wasn’t. She’d realised once that everything she had had been given to her, and could be taken away just as easily. So on the days that she found herself desperately wishing just to stay in bed and let the world slip away for a little longer, she did as she was told and got up, albeit a little later than she should have.

Her best friend and roommate, Nicky, was laying on her bed across the room when Gigi finally got out of hers. She didn’t bother making conversation with her, only pulled on her robe and made her way to her vanity to spruce herself up a bit before she headed downstairs. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to talk to her, she was just a little too hungover and she knew her friend wouldn’t take offence. 

She could hear Nicky snigger as Gigi pulled a brush through her hair, uttering obscenities under her breath as she did. She disregarded it and made her way to the kitchen once she was sure she looked presentable enough.

The girls downstairs knew that Gigi wasn’t exactly a morning person, and knew better than to bother her as she made her coffee and grabbed a couple painkillers from the cabinet in their shared kitchen. 

When she returned to her room she wasn’t in a much better mood, but she could feel the caffeine and the Tylenol working their magic already and at least she wasn’t throwing up which was always a plus.

Nicky dropped the magazine she was reading off the side of the bed, rolling over to face her friend who’d taken a seat on the window bench to sip her coffee.   
“You left early last night…” Nicky broke the silence with an unassuming smile. 

Gigi had been expecting some form of interrogation, and had prepared an answer in advance. “I wasn’t feeling it, parties always end in disaster anyway.”

Nicky debates this silently for a moment. “You sure it had nothing to do with that argument you had with David?” 

Gigi rolled her eyes, she didn’t care that Nicky knew, but she was annoyed someone else had told her. “David’s an asshole, I broke up with him anyway.”

“Last night?” She questioned, seeming genuinely confused.

Gigi nodded her head as she took a long sip out of her mug. “I wasn’t into him anyway, he just wanted to fuck all the time.” She shrugged it off.

Nicky sat up straight. “You sure you’re good? You guys dated for a while…” she says, not believing for a second how her friend could be so nonchalant about breaking up with a guy she had been with for over a year. 

“Yeah I’m fine, I’ve been meaning to do it for a while.” She pauses to take a sip of her coffee, turning a little so she could gaze out of the window. “My mom’s going to be pissed…”

Nicky laughs. “When is she not?”

Gigi nods in agreement and continues, “I think she just wants to get rid of me honestly, it’s like she thinks that if I find an appropriate guy now, I’ll get married straight out of college and she won’t have to put up with me anymore.”

“Gigi, your mother loves you! Why would she not?” Nicky asks, hopping off the bed and making her way over to the bench to sit next to her friend.

Gigi only scoffs in response, she could name a few reasons why her mother wouldn’t love her, one reason in particular but she wasn’t about to get into that right now. Or ever, for that matter. “I’ve already told her I never want to get married, I think that when I started dating David she thought I’d changed my mind.”

It was Nicky’s turn to roll her eyes, Gigi could be so cynical at times. “You’re young… and who knows, you could change your mind?”

Gigi didn’t respond, only continued staring out into the street, or the building across the street to be specific.  
Crystal wasn’t home, or at least she wasn’t sitting at her desk. Gigi found herself getting a little annoyed, it’s not like she wanted to see her or anything, but since the start of the year she’d been aware of the girl’s little crush on her. Gigi thought it was sweet more than anything, and she’d be lying to herself if she said she didn’t just like the attention. There was something about the way she looked at her that made her feel desired, and while she was quite used to that feeling, nearly every guy on campus stared at her like that all the time; there was something about being regarded like that by another woman that gave her a thrill.  
Last night had been fun, she’d quite enjoyed trying to fluster the girl and once she’d realised just how easy that was, it had become like a game to her. Even before they had been officially introduced, Gigi had tested the waters a couple times, deliberately changing in the window when she knew the girl was watching. A part of her knew it was selfish, and maybe a little immature, but she’d denied herself of that kind of attention for so long that she didn’t particularly care. 

She’d been mad at first that anyone at all had seen her in that state at the party, but she thinks it was almost fitting that it was Crystal who’d walked in on her, like some higher power had manipulated the situation. Gigi didn’t particularly believe in fate and things like that, but she thinks that maybe she’d been given permission to continue what she’d started, and seeing the girl blush like that had given her the confidence boost she’d desperately needed at the time. It was just a game at the end of the day, something to pass the time while she looked for another pretend boyfriend to appease her mother. It could never be anything more, she was well aware that she would go to the grave with this secret, but it was fun to pretend all the while.

“What are you looking at anyway?”

Nicky’s voice broke her out of her musings, and she took another sip out of her coffee cup before answering, “nothing.”

——-

Gigi pulled up onto her parents driveway, checking in her rear-view mirror to make sure the gates shut behind her. She left the roof down on her convertible, deciding it was safe enough to do so and made her way to the entrance. 

She’d been in the shower when her mom had called, and Nicky had spoken with her on her behalf. She’d been told as she reentered the room that she was expected home for dinner that night, apparently some sort of announcement was to be made. Gigi had rolled her eyes at the time but she was always grateful for a chance to see her little brother, and while the food back at her sorority house was nice enough it couldn’t compare to her mother’s cooking.  
She let herself into the house, it was eerily quiet as usual though that was probably due to its grand size. Everyone was probably gathered in the reception room closest to the kitchen and thus out of hearing range.

She could hear a pair of heels clacking against the floor, approaching her. She hung her jacket up on the stair railing and pulled her phone out of her pocket. She had a missed call from Nicky, but she’d get back to her later. 

“Georgia!” Her brother's girlfriend, Karen called out to her, her arms were open to receive her and she had an overly friendly smile on her face. 

Gigi forced a tight smile and gave the woman a hug, not saying anything as she was kissed on both cheeks.

“It’s been so long since I’ve seen you! How have you been? How are the other Kappa Sigma Sluts?” She jokes, ignoring Gigi’s obvious discomfort.

Gigi nods and smiles again politely despite herself. Karen was one of their alumni, and she returned to campus on occasion for functions. It was actually how she met Gigi’s brother, and she hated to think that she’d played any part in their disastrous union. “I’m good, we’re good…” she starts as they make their way towards the rest of her family.   
Karen giggled and raised her wine glass to take a sip, no doubt preparing something bitchy to say just before they got inside, but Gigi beat her to it.  
“Oh Caitlin told me about that nasty rash you got? Did it clear up okay?” She asks, feigning concern.

It stopped Karen in her tracks, her mouth bobbed open like a fish before she offered another fake smile. “Oh yeah, I guess I was just a little allergic to the wax they used at the salon…” she laughs awkwardly, and just as she opens her mouth to retort the door swung open catching them both by surprise.

“What are you girls doing back here? Making out or something?” Nathan, Gigi’s brother chuckled from the doorway.

Karen giggled and smacked his arm playfully, “don’t be ridiculous!” She said, moving past him into the lounge.

“Well if the shoe fits right, G?” He said, low enough that no one else would hear them with a dumb smile on his face.

Gigi rolled her eyes. “You’re a real asshole, you know that?” She pushed past him roughly, he just chuckled in response and she felt her blood start to boil already. 

He pressed his hands against her shoulders, gripping her in place as he leaned down to talk in her ear, “so are you ready to come out? Or you just gonna keep crying about it in your diary?” He laughed and patted her back before releasing her. 

Gigi was used to his comments, and while she knew that he didn’t actually think she was that-way-inclined, his continuous teasing never failed to rile her up. She’d thought that after 5 years he would have grown out of such childish behaviour.  
As Nathan made his way over to sit beside his girlfriend, Gigi’s father called to her from his armchair across the room.  
“There’s my princess!” He chuckled in his deep baritone voice.

Gigi walked over to him, genuinely smiling for the first time since she’d arrived. He was still wearing his suit from work and she made a conscious effort not to wrinkle it as she bent down to give him a hug. “Hey, Daddy,” she pauses to give him a kiss on the cheek, “how was work?”

“Ah, same old. How’s school? Still behaving yourself?” He asks, swilling his bourbon around before drinking the rest of it. He held his empty glass in the air.

“Always, Daddy.” She replied with a laugh.

Her mother came up behind her, smiling as she took the glass from the man’s hand and turned to Gigi only for a moment, “Oh Georgia, come help me in the kitchen…”

Gigi smiled sweetly at her father again before turning and following her mother, rolling her eyes once her back was turned. “Hello, Mother.” She said when she stepped into the kitchen.

Gigi’s mother was leaning against the island, filling up another glass of wine for herself. “Yes, Hello dear…”

Her tone is pinched and Gigi already knows there’s something bothering her, she continues with the pleasantries regardless, “how have you been?”

“Nevermind that, what’s this I hear about you and David?” She’s looking at her daughter expectantly.

Gigi just stared back dumbfounded. “How did you- who told you?”

Gigi’s mother shakes her head and glares at her almost accusingly. “Karen told me!” She says, and Gigi has to stop herself from storming out of the house. “Georgia- whatever you’ve done you need to go apologise to him!”

“I need to apologise to him? Why do you assume it’s my fault?” She bites back, trying not to raise her voice.

The older woman takes a long sip of her wine. “Because well, sweetheart- it usually is…” she says with a shrug.

Gigi rolls her eyes but disregards that comment. “Mother, I broke up with him.”  
Gigi swears she has never seen her mother’s eyes widen that much, she nearly spits out her wine. “And Karen had no business running her mouth-“

“Karen is part of this family!” Her mother protests.

“She’s Nathan’s girlfriend! And she’s been around for all of five minutes?”

“She’s Nathan’s fiancé, and she’s going to be around for a long time so you might as well get used to it…”

Gigi can only stare at her mother in disbelief. Of course Nathan had asked her to marry him, a part of her thought he’d done it just to spite her. “Is that it? Was that the big announcement?”

Gigi’s mother looks at her a little defeated. “Aren’t you happy for him? Lord knows if it were you getting married we’d all be elated…” she scoffs.

“I don’t really care, it’s not like my opinion matters.” Gigi sighs, pulling at the hem of her skirt. As often as it occurred, Gigi didn’t like fighting with her mother, though it seemed her mother loved to fight with her.

“Well, I had hoped it would be you getting engaged… but of course you’ve gone and ruined any chance of that happening any time soon.”

Gigi felt her blood start to boil again, she had no idea why but her family just seemed to be on a mission to break her down. “Mother, I’m 18 years old, I’m not even remotely interested in getting married at all…”

“Georgia, I don’t want to argue with you, I just want you to care about your future as much as I do… David is such a nice boy-“

“I don’t want to argue with you either, but trust me when I tell you that you have no idea what you’re talking about-“

Just as Gigi’s mother went to interrupt her, the kitchen door opened and in walked Karen, effectively cutting them both off.  
“I’m sorry ladies but I thought I could help lay the table?” She said, voice as sickeningly sweet as ever.

Gigi’s mother’s demeanour changed immediately. “Why of course that’s so nice of you, dinner is nearly ready anyway.”

Gigi rolled her eyes, deciding to leave them to it and walking out of the room. She headed upstairs to find her little brother. It was past his bedtime and she knew he’d be asleep, but it didn’t stop her from standing quietly in the doorway and watching him sleep for a moment. He was truly the only member of this family that she liked, and she desperately hoped whatever affliction caused the rest of her family to behave like assholes didn’t affect him too.  
She’d kept to herself during dinner, as she had planned to originally, and when her brother announced his engagement she smiled as nicely as she could and avoided her mother at all costs.

——-

It was past 11PM when she finally got home, Nicky was heading to meet one of her unnamed hookups but had listened patiently as Gigi ranted about her evening. When she had said everything there was to say, Nicky left and Gigi was left alone. Now all her anger was out she was left with the same empty feeling she gets every time she goes home to visit her family. She loved them, it was just hard to remember that sometimes.

Gigi pulled out a box from under her bed, it was baby pink and covered in stickers. Inside the locked box was her diary, she’d started keeping it there after her brother had found it when she was 13, and now it held far too much precious information to be left unprotected. Underneath the box however, was an item she had very nearly forgotten about.   
Crystal’s shirt felt soft in her hands, and she found herself smiling despite herself, clutching it to her chest when a thought suddenly occurred to her.

She walked over to the window, dropping the shirt and her diary on the bench. She started to get undressed, almost too slowly. She didn’t bother to make sure if the brunette was watching her, she knew that she would be. As she put the shirt on, Gigi could feel the girls eyes on her, it was more satisfying than she thought possible. When she was done changing she decided to tease the girl a little longer, sitting on the bench to write in her diary. She found the whole thing very therapeutic. She could write things in her diary that she’d never even admit to herself, then lock them away where she’d never have to read them again. She dreaded to think what kind of material her brother would have to tease her with if he found it now, in fact the thought terrified her so much she almost stopped writing.   
When she was done she slipped the little book back into its box. She observed the girl across the street for a moment, sat at her desk, and just when she caught herself wishing they could be closer she caught her eye. Gigi smiled softly, she couldn’t see her face clearly but she could imagine her tan cheeks sporting their usual blush and it gave her more of a thrill than it should have.   
She probably just needed to get laid.   
With that parting thought Gigi took herself to bed, finding that Crystal’s shirt was remarkably comfortable to sleep in, and knew then that she definitely wouldn’t be giving it back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took a little longer than usual but I hope you guys like it, feedback is always welcome thanks for reading sweets✨✨✨


	6. you got me good

The end of March had brought with it plenty of good weather, and most of the students had been spending their free time off-campus, enjoying the heat somewhere less crowded.

Crystal wasn’t quite sure what time it was, they had been hanging out for hours now and none of them had noticed how quickly they were losing daylight. She didn’t know whether it was the alcohol in her belly, the joint in her hand or the warm air on her bare skin, but she felt utterly content surrounded by her closests friends in the world.

Jackie’s tired car sat in the campus parking lot, they’d returned from their adventures a while ago now but had decided to stick around a little longer. Crystal watched from her spot on the roof of the car as Rock tried to make snow angels in the grass a few feet away. Jackie was sitting inside the car, rolling another joint but she had the door open so she could still talk to the girls. It wasn’t that she was a regular smoker, in fact she often elected not to partake when her friends were getting high, but she was by far better at rolling than either of them.

Rock giggled suddenly. “Designated driver  _ and  _ designated blunt roller… what would we do without you?” She laughs, rolling over finally to face her friends.

“Oh I don’t know, probably wander into traffic?” Jackie offered with a poorly contained laugh.

Crystal rolled her eyes playfully and hopped down off the roof. “Have a little faith in us!” She laughs, going to get another couple beers from the trunk of the car where they’d been sitting since they’d been to the store earlier.

Rock jumps up to take a bottle from Crystal who turns and places one at Jackie’s feet. 

“How many do we have left?” She asks, still laughing from earlier.

Crystal pops the cap off between her teeth. “These are the last of ‘em.”

Jackie scrunches up her face in disgust at Crystal’s behaviour as she gets out of the car, shutting the door with her hip. “Do we need to go to the store?”

Rock looks like Jackie had just suggested they rob the nearest convenience store. “You can’t drive, you’re like totally laced!”

Jackie rolls her eyes, “I meant we could walk to the store?”

“Yeah and no one's said ‘laced’ since the 80’s…” Crystal giggles.

Rock puts her hands on her hips in mock annoyance. “Well I’m sorry I’m not as cool and smart as you guys!”

Both girls burst out laughing, before Crystal shakes her head and goes to take a seat on the grass. “I have some drinks back in my room anyway.” She says, patting the ground beside her.

Jackie passes the joint to Rock to light and joins Crystal on the grass. “So we’re heading back to your place then?”

Crystal shrugs in response, taking a sip of her beer. “Sure, if that’s good with you guys?”

Rock nods enthusiastically, her face is screwed up and smokes pouring from her nose as she tries not to cough, she passes the joint to Crystal who’s trying not to laugh. 

“You okay there, Sweetie?” Jackie says, rubbing the girl’s back when Rock sits down next to her.

“Yeah-“ She coughs again, “went down the wrong hole…” 

Crystal giggles and offers it to Jackie after a while, who shakes her head, “maybe later.”

She has a bit more then passes it back to Rock to finish, laying back against the grass.

The sky had faded from a vibrant burnt orange to a dull blue, it wasn’t nearly dark enough to see stars yet and she found herself wishing it was later.

“We should probably make a move soon, if campus security sees us rolling around in the parking lot they might think we’re doing drugs or something…” Jackie says, already getting to her feet again.

“I mean aren’t we?” Rock giggles, flicking the burnt out roach away from them.

“Well yeah, and I’d rather not get pulled up in front of my ex-girlfriend’s father for misconduct.” Jackie laughs, but there was a lot of truth to her statement.

“Oh shit yeah…” Crystal gets up and goes to get her bag from the back of the car. “I’m surprised he even let you back in?”

Jackie shrugs, locking the car after Crystal has shut the door. “I doubt he even knows I go here.”

The three girls start walking back to Crystal’s dorm, which conveniently wasn’t far at all.

“We should probably ditch the beers too- before they catch us?” Crystal suggests, already finishing her drink. 

“That’s true but I don’t wanna waste this…” Jackie says, looking between Rock and Crystal.

Rock sighs dramatically, taking the bottle from Jackie’s hand and proceeding to finish off both her beer and Jackie’s. “God, the things I do for you, woman…”

Jackie chuckles and leans over to press a kiss to the girl’s cheek.

Crystal smiles to herself, thinking that in another life where Jackie wasn’t all caught up in some other girl, they would’ve made a very sweet couple.

They made it back to her room in record time, and Rock flings herself down on Crystal’s bed the second they get through the door. 

“Is Miranda not here?” Rock asks, kicking off her shoes.

Crystal shrugs and takes a seat at her desk, “I think I’ve only seen her twice this whole semester…”

“It’s April and she’s only been here twice?” Jackie says in disbelief, joining Rock on the bed.

“I think her boyfriend has his own place… which is great for me I guess.” She laughs lightly.

Jackie nods, getting comfortable when she notices Crystal’s curtains were closed, which she thought was odd considering the dorm rooms had terrible lighting and it had been the middle of the day when they’d come by to pick her up. “Oh Crystal, don’t tell me you were sitting here in the dark before we dragged you out…”

Crystal rolled her eyes, “Who are you? My mom?” She chuckled. “No, I was doing some work in here earlier and I didn’t want to get distracted…” she shrugs it off.

“By the all hot sorority girls across the street?” Rock says suggestively, pretending to fan herself and causing Jackie to giggle.

Crystal opens her mouth to protest but the words don’t come out at first. She’s blushing already and she thanks god she’d gotten a little sunburnt that afternoon. “No! I mean- why would I?”

“Relax! Okay I get it you’re straight.” Rock laughs, jumping off the bed to grab them some drinks, they had hung out in here often enough to know where Crystal kept them hidden.

“Those girls are all bitches anyway…” Jackie shrugs, shaking her head.

“I mean- yeah, but like  _ hot  _ bitches…” Rock counters, placing what she’d gathered on Crystal’s desk and getting started on mixing some drinks.

Crystal couldn’t help but agree with both of her friends, but she certainly wasn’t at a point where she would ever say that aloud. Though if the last couple of months had taught her anything, it was that she was possibly definitely  _ not straight. _

“How is Nicky anyway?” Jackie asks, sounding just a little smug.

Rock sighs and hands each of her friends a red solo cup filled with some disgustingly alcoholic concoction. “She’s fine, she said we can’t hook up anymore because her  _ boyfriend _ ,” she pauses to make a disgusted face, “is coming back to visit her soon.”

Crystal had to stop herself from doing a spit take, and only partly because her drink tasted like gasoline. “Since when were you hooking up with Nicky?”

Rock rolls her eyes. “Since like, the first week?”

Crystal just stares at her with her mouth open for a second. “And you didn’t think to share this information with me?”

“Well in my defence, Jackie only knows because Nicky told Jan when she came down for the frat party, and Jan told Jackie because she can’t keep her whore mouth shut.” Rock answers, Jackie visibly tenses at the last part but doesn’t argue with it. It was common knowledge that Rock didn’t particularly like Jan after the way she’d treated her friend.

Crystal processes that for a moment, before she asks, “if she has a boyfriend why was she hooking up with you in the first place?”

Rock laughs. “Because for one, no girl can resist my feminine wiles…” she pauses to get approval from her friends who both giggle and nod their heads in agreement. “And second she’s like bi? I think? And her and her boyfriend have a super open relationship or something…” she shrugs.

“Yeah so if he was okay with you guys hooking up before, why does it have to stop now?” Jackie asks, pulling her legs up onto the bed. “I mean he doesn’t actually get here for another two weeks right?”

Rock nods from behind the rim of her cup, before answering, “I think it’s just an excuse honestly, she’s been super paranoid about her friends finding out lately.”

Jackie smiles sadly, “That must suck, having to hide who you are from your own friends…”

“Yeah, but they’re all super homophobic so I get it…she keeps having to run out of the room whenever I call, I mean, they must be getting suspicious.” Rock says, moving to sit back down on the bed. 

“I don’t know what I’d do if I had to pretend to be straight, like, in front of my  _ best friend _ y’know? That’s pretty shitty.” Jackie shakes her head and takes a sip of her drink, before pulling it away in disgust.

Rock spins around to face her friends fully. “Oh! Yeah, Gigi is the  _ worst _ … apparently Nicky tried to like, broach the subject with her? And she said that whenever anyone talks about like,  _ gay people _ , Gigi looks like she’s gonna throw up or something…” she trails off with a laugh.

Crystal doesn’t know what to do with that information, it certainly ruined whatever fantasy world she’d been living inside of in her head.

She felt her heart sink further at the realisation, that maybe whatever was going on had been some elaborate joke. All of Gigi’s actions had been deliberate. Every time she’d undressed in her window, knowing full well that Crystal was watching, and every time they’d caught each other's gaze and held it for just a moment too long… she realised she’d been grasping at straws, but that night at the party when Gigi had gotten  _ oh so close  _ to her had felt so real and genuine, Crystal doesn’t think it’s possible that she had deluded herself completely of her own accord. 

Jackie scoffs, “Yeah well we all know Gigi Goode is a total cunt, what’s new?” She laughs, as Rock chuckles alongside her.

Part of Crystal wants to defend her, another part completely agrees. “If she’s such a bad person then why is Nicky friends with her?” She asks, sipping her drink and almost enjoying the way it burnt her throat.

Jackie answers first, throwing her hands in the air, “Because she’s the top bitch! She doesn’t have to be a good person, people will like her anyway ‘cause she’s prettier and richer than they are.”

“Hey that’s not true!” Rock interjects, before adding, “Well no it’s kinda true, but Nicky swears she’s actually really nice…”

Realising she had drained her cup, Crystal goes to fix herself another drink, feeling a little defeated and wanting to get drunk now more than ever. Jackie looks like she’s about to debate Rock’s statement but Crystal tries to steer the conversation away from where it was headed. “So what are you gonna do now you guys aren’t hooking up anymore?”

Rock finishes the rest of her drink and reaches over to set it down next to Crystal’s on the desk. “I don’t know honestly, I think I actually really liked her…” she says, taking both girls by surprise as she’d said multiple times that she wasn’t interested in anything more than sex.

Jackie pulls her in for a quick side hug, “You’ll be okay, there’s plenty more girls out there just waiting for you to drunkenly grind up on them at a party.” She jokes with a laugh and Rock beams.

“Hell yeah there is!” She giggles, “that’s like my signature move!” Rock stands up to start demonstrating, there’s no music playing and she looks so funny thrusting into the air and wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

Crystal laughs so much she accidentally pours the contents of the bottle she’s holding all over her desk instead of the cup, they all laugh at her mistake before she realises that her sketchbook was now drenched in cheap, off-brand vodka.

“Oh shit! fuck- oh my God!” She yells, putting the bottle down as quickly as she could to try and save her book. She lifts it into the air and it’s dripping wet.

Rock’s still laughing when she holds her hand out to take it from Crystal. “Don’t worry it happens to me all the time, I know how to fix it!”

“You do?” Crystal asks desperately, all her studies for her final piece were in that book.

“Yeah! Give it here and I’ll go grab some toilet paper to dry it off.” She says. Crystal hands it to her with a little whine and Rock darts out of the room to the bathroom down the hall. 

“Thank you!” Crystal calls after her, just as the door shuts. “Oh fuck I hope she can fix it…”

“Sweetie, I’m sorry…” Jackie says reassuringly, “Rock knows what she’s doing though I’m sure it’ll be fine, was it anything important?”

Crystal grabs one of the towels out of her laundry hamper and goes to work cleaning up the rest of the mess on her desk. “Only some of it, I need it for class on Monday… I had all my subject studies in there...” She explains, knowing that she and Jackie were in the same class and that she’d understand how important they were.

Jackie cringes and gets up to help Crystal. “I’m sure it’ll be fine, the final piece is like 50% of our grade right?”

“Yeah…” Crystal mumbles in response, realising she may have overreacted a bit. “Thank you.” She says when they were done and chuckles when Jackie takes over the drink-making process. “What would I do without you?” 

Jackie just laughs and hands a cup to Crystal and leaves one on the nightstand for Rock. “There’s the old art room near our class, people never use it but we’re allowed to go in there to get work done?” She shrugs, sitting back down on the bed. “It might be a good idea if you went there inside of trying to do anything in here…” she trails off, giggling and gesturing to the room they were currently in, which admittedly was a little cramped and not the cleanest. 

Crystal nods and chuckles lightly. “Yeah it’s kinda hard to work in here…this place has terrible lighting. ” she says sheepishly, vowing that she would check out Jackie’s suggestion soon.

Jackie rolled her eyes and moved to lay down. “Well maybe if you weren’t sat in here with the curtains closed in the middle of the day it wouldn’t be so dark…” she says accusingly before breaking into another laugh.

“Yeah okay,  _ mother.”  _ Crystal giggled.

Rock suddenly barged through the door, with a big smile on her face and the book under her arm. “Okay, what did I miss?”

“Nothing.”

“Is my sketchbook okay?”

Both girls answer at the same time and Rock shakes her head, handing said book over to Crystal and taking a seat on the bed. “Yeah, it's all good.” She says, smiling at the girl and goes to say something else when Jackie's phone rings suddenly. 

Jackie excuses herself quickly and takes the call outside.

Crystal hugs the book to her chest dramatically. “Thank you so much, Rock you have no idea how much time you’ve saved me. I will truly never be able to repay you-“

Jackie enters the room again after only being out in the hall for a second, effectively cutting Crystal off. “Sorry guys, I gotta go. I think my roommate’s forgotten her key again, I couldn’t really tell cause we got cut off and now she’s not picking up…” she explains, looking down at her phone still.

“It’s cool, need us to walk you back?” Rock asks, looking between the two girls.

“Yeah we don’t mind.” Crystal agrees.

Jackie shoves her phone back in her pocket and grabs her bag. “No! It’s totally fine, you guys stay here…” she says, and gives each girl a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow anyway.”

“Okay well, call us when you get home!” Crystal says, very seriously.

Jackie rolls her eyes but laughs anyway. “Yeah, okay,  _ mother.” _

After she leaves, Crystal gets up to put some music on. She spends a minute looking through her collection before settling on one of the CDs that Jackie had left behind once. When she turns back around, Rock is looking at her strangely.

Crystal laughs awkwardly, “What’s up?”

Rock sighs before reaching over and grabbing Crystal’s sketchbook once again. “Crys, I think we need to have a little talk…” she says, sounding serious and a little amused making Crystal more confused than before.

“Okay…” She says, moving to sit at her desk again. “About what?”

“You know what! Don’t play games with me Crystal.”

If Crystal was confused before, now she’s straight up befuddled. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Rock sighs and starts searching through pages of the sketchbook, before turning it so Crystal could see. “Care to explain this?”

Crystal feels like she’d just been slapped across the face. On the page, staring back at her, was one of the many drawings of Gigi that had slowly but surely filled her sketchbook over time. It was one of the worst ones, not in quality but in content. Pictured was Gigi, wearing nothing but the shirt she had stolen from her. Crystal thinks about snatching the book out of Rock’s hand but decides the effort would be futile as she had probably seen everything already.

“Please don’t tell Jackie…” Crystal pleads quietly. “You know how she feels about-“

“Don’t worry I’m not going to tell her, but what’s going on here exactly?” Rock says, dropping her stern facade when she notices the way Crystal’s eyes widen in panic.

Crystal takes a moment to think of a response. “I think I might be gay- not like all the way gay!” She stresses, “I don’t like girls. But I like- I think that I like-“

“Gigi?” Rock finishes for her, seeing as they probably would’ve been there all day. “You think you like Gigi?”

Crystal pulls her legs up onto the chair and hugs her knees. “Yeah…” she answers after a while.

Rock nods and places the book back on the desk. Crystal is just glad she doesn’t have to look at it anymore. They sit in silence for a moment, just processing, before Rock laughs suddenly. 

“What’s so funny?” Crystal asks, insecurely.

“Nothing just- ‘not all the way gay’ the way you said it just-“ Rock doesn’t finish her sentence as she breaks out into another laugh.

“I mean it!” Crystal protests, but can’t help from laughing too.

“So you’re not all the way gay?” Rock asks.

Crystal grabs her abandoned drink off the desk. “No…” she answers, but still sounds unsure.

Rock nods slowly. “Just gay for Gigi?” She asks, before giggling again.

Crystal chugs the rest of her drink as quickly as she could. “Apparently so…” she says, slamming her empty cup back down.

“I mean, wow” Rock starts, sipping her own drink. “You get your first baby gay crush and it’s on a  _ straight  _ girl? That’s rough.”

“Tell me about it…” Crystal sighs. “Are you surprised?” She adds after a moment.

Rock holds back a laugh and offers her a sweet smile instead. “Would you take it as an insult if I said I wasn’t?”

“No…” Crystal answers quickly, narrowing her eyes.

“Then not at all!” Rock laughs. “In fact, Jackie owes me twenty bucks.” 

They both giggle at that, and while Crystal feels like she’d just been torn open, it feels nice to have finally shared it with her friend. Rock doesn’t ask any more questions after that, and Crystal doesn’t offer any more information, but they spend the rest of the night together as they would have anyway. When Rock leaves, its past two in the morning, but Crystal doesn’t get to sleep until much later. 

There was far too much to think about. She’d finally somewhat come to terms with being gay, and had had her dreams crushed all at the same time. It was too much for one night really. 

  
  
  
  



	7. there’s something in the way you look at me

Crystal was running late. Like most mornings, she’d spent the majority of it sleeping off her hangover and when she finally crawled out of bed it was noon. She had already made plans to meet Rock for coffee, and after the drunken mess Rock had left her dorm room in the night before, Crystal knew that coffee was probably a very good idea.

She arrived at the coffee house, visibly sweating, in desperate need of a refreshment after her run. She found Rock already there, wearing a huge hoodie, despite the warm weather, and some comically large sunglasses.

There was a bottle of water on the table and Crystal took it and chugged it without asking. 

“Bitch, what took you so long?” Rock says as he friend settles down in the seat across from her.

Crystal’s still panting lightly, placing the crushed water bottle on the table she notices a second takeaway cup just in front of her. “I’m sorry, I overslept… is this for me?”

Rock rolled her eyes but laughed lightly. “Yeah, of course. I thought I’d just order cause I didn’t know how long you’d be and I have to meet Jackie soon.”

“Yeah sorry, I forgot you guys had plans after this…” Crystal says, taking a sip of her coffee which surprisingly was still too hot.

“It’s only shopping… you sure you don’t wanna come?” Rock asks, leaning an elbow on the table to rest her head on her hand.

“Nah I’m good, I’m gonna go check out the other art room Jackie told me about. I’ve got a lot to do and I could use a change of scenery from my room.” Crystal explains, grabbing a handful of loose sugar packets from the bowl and pouring them into her coffee one by one.

“Sweet enough?” Rock shakes her head with a laugh.

“I could use the pick me up more than anything…” Crystal pauses for a moment, balling the empty packets up in her palm. “You’re not gonna tell Jackie are you? About last night?”

Rock sips her coffee before answering, “Of course not, but you should probably tell her y’know, when you’re ready.”

Crystal nods. “Yeah I will, I just haven’t quite got it all figured out yet…”

“I get that.” Rock shrugs. “How did this happen anyway? Like out of all the girls to get a crush on why Gigi?” She pauses to sip her coffee, “I mean I get it, she’s hot but she’s also a huge bitch.”

“I honestly don’t even know, it’s a long story.”

Crystal shrugs.

Rock can tell she feels uncomfortable talking about it, so as much as she wants to, she tries not to pry further. “Well, if you wanna talk about it, I’m here…” she says, looking at Crystal expectantly over the rim of her coffee cup.

Crystal sighs. “I just kinda feel like an idiot… like it’s nothing and I made it seem like it was such a big deal…” she trails off, not quite knowing what to say.

“Okay, you have to give me some more information.” Rock reaches over the table to grab Crystal’s hands for a moment. “Let me help you, you’re talking to an expert on women here.”

Crystal laughs lightly. “What makes you the expert on women?”

Rock gasps mockingly, “I’m a woman who likes women?” She says, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “And plus, I’ve bagged a sorority girl, so I have  _ insider information.” _ She adds for good measure.

“Okay,” Crystal starts, letting out a breath as she tries to organise her thoughts. “It’s just I’ve never really liked anyone before,  _ that  _ way y’know?” 

Rock nods her head and Crystal takes that as her cue to continue. “Then I come here, and I’m so out of my element, then it’s like I see her  _ everywhere _ , like everywhere I look she just seems to be there and I can’t put into words how I feel but I know I feel  _ something  _ and it’s driving me insane.” She finishes, feeling relieved to have finally gotten it off her chest.

Rock sits back in her seat, taking an agonisingly long sip of her coffee. “Okay, you want Doctor Rock’s official diagnosis?”

“I thought you were a women expert not a doctor?”

“Crystal I’m too hungover to argue, for the sake of this analogy can we assume I’m both?” She says, with an overly exaggerated sigh. Crystal nods her head and she continues, “Girl, you got a bad case of the gaybies.”

Crystal sits back in her chair, she wasn’t sure what she was expecting to hear. “So that’s it? I’m just gay?”

“You’re in love with a woman who’s never even looked at you? Yeah, that’s like  _ Lesbian 101”  _ Rock scoffs with a shrug.

Crystal folds her arms over her chest, pouting a little. “I’m not in love with her… and she’s looked at me…”

“But does she look at you the way you look at her?” Rock asks, Crystal doesn’t respond, only pouts even more. “I’ll take that as a no…”

Crystal moves to lean over the table, resting her head in her hand. “I think she’s messing with me.”

Rock narrows her eyes. “How so?” She drawls.

“Sometimes, at night,” Crystal cringes, feeling embarrassed to be actually admitting this. “I watch her from my window…”

“Crystal that’s creepy.” 

“I know!” She throws her hands up. “But I swear it’s like she wants me too.” Crystal stresses, picking up her cup again and gripping it a little too tightly.

“Details, bitch,  _ details!” _ Rock stresses, talking to Crystal about girls was like trying to get blood from a stone.

Crystal sighs, fidgeting in her seat. “You remember that night we went to the party?”

Rock rolls her eyes. “Be more specific.”

“The one where you freaked out cause you couldn’t find Jackie cause she’d already gone home because she was hooking up with Jan?”

“Yeah,” Rock laughs, “I got so wasted that night…”

“Yeah well, you called me to come help you find her, and obviously she wasn’t there…” Crystal trails off, something told her she really shouldn’t be talking about this.

“Go on…” Rock urges.

“Well when I went upstairs to find her, I walked into one of the rooms and kinda- bumped into Gigi.”

Rock’s eyes widen. “This changes everything.”

“Does it?” Crystal asks.

Rock shrugs. “I don’t know, keep talking.”

Crystal doesn’t want to continue. “There’s nothing to talk about…”

“ _ Crystal.” _

“What?” She says, sounding obviously defensive. “Nothing happened.”

Rock looks at her as if she were a lying child. “So you walk into the room, Gigi’s there, what happens next?”

“I said sorry for barging in then I see that someone had spilled their drink all over her dress then she asked to borrow my shirt and I said yes, y’know cause I’m not an  _ asshole…  _ then she pulls me into the bathroom and started taking her clothes off then I gave her my shirt and she asked me to walk her home and I did and  _ that’s it.” _ Crystal talked faster than she had thought possible and took a deep breath when she finished, at some point she’d shut her eyes and when she finally opened them, Rock was staring at her with her mouth wide open.

Crystal suddenly feels very insecure under the scrutiny. “What?”

Rock gapes at her for a moment longer. “Gigi Goode gave you a strip tease and I’m only finding out about this  _ now _ ?”

“Oh it was not a strip tease!” Crystal protests.

“She took you into a private enclosed space, locked the door and started taking her clothes off? Honey, that’s a strip tease.” Rock scoffs, shaking her head in disbelief.

Crystal wrings her hands. “I never said she locked the door…”

“Did she?”

“Well, yeah…” Crystal admits after a moment. “But I think you’re missing the point.”

“Which is?” Rock prompts.

Crystal sighs exasperatedly. “If she’s so homophobic then why would she do that? It’s like she’s  _ trying  _ to drive me crazy…”

Rock sits back in her seat, tapping her fingers against the table as she tries to come up with some sort of explanation. “Yeah, I got nothing.” She says after a minute. “Are you sure you didn’t just like, dream this or something?”

“No.” Crystal says definitely, she’d already exhausted that answer during one of the many nights she’d laid awake pondering the same question. “I see her going to bed in my shirt all the time…and she knows I can see her wearing it. She’s  _ torturing  _ me and I have no idea why…”

Rock shakes her head. “If this is her idea of a joke then she needs psychiatric help… I mean straight girls can be the worst but that’s just  _ sadistic. _ ” 

Crystal thinks that’s a little extreme, it was more than likely that she was just blowing things out of proportion but she couldn’t stop herself from agreeing with her friend. “I don’t know, I’m just gonna try and avoid her before things get worse y’know?”

Rock smiles softly, it’s obvious that this has actually been upsetting Crystal, but she never was any good at dealing with sensitive topics. “Yeah, I think that’s a good idea…” she pauses to take a sip of her coffee and laughs lightly. “Fuck, you got it bad, Romeo…” Rock shrugs, trying to lighten the mood.

It works, Crystal looks up from staring intently at the table and smiles at her friend, letting out a breathy laugh as she mumbles, “yeah…”

Rock’s phone starts ringing, and she drags a hand down Crystal’s arm comfortingly as she digs it out of her bag.

It was Jackie, and she tells Rock that she was waiting for her in the parking lot. 

Rock apologises for having to leave so suddenly but Crystal assures her that it’s fine and she has work to do anyway.

They give each other a hug goodbye, and Crystal feels ten times lighter as she makes her way to the art building. Her coffee had long since gone cold, but there was too much left to throw away and she was grateful to have something to hold as she walked. Everything was going to be fine, a problem shared was a problem halved. As long as she kept her curtains closed and tried to avoid running into Gigi across campus, Crystal could get over this little crush in no time.

——-

Crystal wasn’t sure what she was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t this. The room itself had been difficult to find at first, it was on a whole other floor that Crystal hadn’t even known existed. It was messy but the room itself was huge enough that the countless broken easels and decapitated mannequins didn’t make the space feel cluttered. Huge windows lined the sides of the slanted roof, illuminating the space in brilliant natural light that reflected off the white walls and work benches, making the room seem impossibly large in comparison to her other classroom.

There was fabric and empty tubes of paint everywhere, it seemed lived in somehow and Crystal thinks that this will do quite nicely.

Crystal pulls her hair up into a messy ponytail, letting a few strands of hair hang out at the sides. She takes a seat at one of the benches along the wall, placing her sketchbook and her supplies on the counter. She notices that there’s a sewing machine plugged in across the room, it’s surrounded by its own collection of pencils and fabrics, the wall behind it covered in drawings she can’t quite make out from where she sat. She doesn’t want to pry, it seemed like someone else had had the same idea as her and had been working here before she’d arrived. It wasn’t an issue, the space was plenty big enough to be shared.

Crystal’s not sure how much time had passed, she had finished fixing up the pages she’d ruined the night before, and had gotten to work sketching out some composition ideas for her final piece.

She could hear heels clacking lightly against the floor and suddenly the air around her is filled with the same expensive perfume she had spent countless nights dreaming about.

The clacking stops and suddenly it’s  _ too quiet  _ and Crystal doesn’t have to look to know who had taken a seat across the room. The tranquility she had found there was gone in an instant and Crystal wishes she could be anywhere else but here.

“Are you following me?” Gigi asks, breaking the silence. It sounds like a serious question but her voice is almost playful and Crystal feels her cheeks heat up instantly.

She swallows thickly before answering, “No, why- why would I do that?” She says, hoping to god that the other girl couldn’t hear the sheer panic she felt in her voice.

Gigi laughs lightly. “Relax,” she starts and Crystal can do anything but. “I was joking.”

Crystal can’t respond, she chances a glance at her and knows instantly that was a terrible idea.

Gigi’s wearing a white off the shoulder blouse that’s tied into a knot at the front showing just the tiniest bit of midriff and a little tennis skirt, the same baby pink as the bag she was packing some things into. Crystal wonders how anyone could dress that nicely everyday, when she could barely muster the energy to pull on the same paint splattered jeans each morning.

“So, come here often?” Gigi says, not looking up from what she was doing. It sounds like a pickup line. “I’ve never seen you in here before.” She finally makes eye contact with her, and Crystal feels the air leave her lungs.

She shakes her head and looks away for a moment. “No, I- I thought this place was empty, I didn’t realise anyone would be in here.”

“There usually isn’t.” Her voice sounds sharp, and Crystal thinks that she might be mad at her for being in here.

“But it’s okay, I don’t mind sharing.” Gigi adds, as if she’d noticed the way Crystal had tensed. She shrugs before tossing her hair over her shoulder.

If it were possible to get whiplash from a conversation, She thinks Gigi would be bankrupt from all the lawsuits. Crystal doesn’t reply, only grips her pencil in her hand, she stares down at the page in front of her but can’t focus on anything other than the girl across the room.

A minute goes by in silence, before she hears a zipper being pulled shut and suddenly Gigi’s walking towards her.

“What are you working on?” She says once she gets close enough to see over her shoulder, she leans against the workbench and she’s so close that Crystal wouldn’t have to reach far at all to wrap her arms around her. She imagines herself doing it, pulling Gigi closer to her but stops herself before she could entertain the idea.  _ What was wrong with her? _

“I was just sketching out some ideas.” Crystal answers after she’d caught her breath, her voice only just louder than a murmur. 

Gigi’s looking down at her sketchbook. “You’re good…” She says, as if she’s surprised.

The observation was so simple, but it meant so much more coming from her than anyone else. Crystal hates the way her chest tightens.

“Thanks.” It’s all she could say, Gigi’s standing far too close for comfort and her head is too full to think straight.

“You’re welcome,” Gigi turns to face her, regarding her for a moment and Crystal wishes she wouldn’t. There’s a strange look on her face, but she looks away before Crystal could decipher it. “I was just leaving anyway…” She says, but she doesn’t make a move.

Crystal doesn’t know why that makes her heart hurt the way it does.

“So soon?” Crystal couldn’t stop it from coming out of her mouth, it sounded almost bold and a little flirtatious and that’s not how she felt at all.

Gigi smiled at her, “I was just stopping by to grab some of my things…” She pauses, and after a second she reaches out to tuck a stray strand of dark hair behind Crystal’s ear, not missing the way the girl sucked in a breath when her fingertips made contact with her skin.

“You look pretty with your hair up, you should wear it like that more often.” 

Crystal can faintly hear Rock’s voice in her head, 

_ ‘If this is her idea of a joke then she needs psychiatric help’  _ but it doesn’t stop her from blushing anyway.

Gigi’s walking away before she even has time to process what had just happened. Crystal follows her with her eyes. She stops at the door.

“Same time tomorrow?”

Crystal blinks a couple times and doesn’t think about her response. “Sure.”

  
Gigi smiled at her again and left with that.

The room suddenly seems much larger without her in it.

Crystal’s left with the same disoriented feeling she had after her last encounter with Gigi. She sits there gaping at the door for god knows how long. Her head was spinning, but the rest of her just felt so empty, like the world could cave in on her and fall inside. 

She doesn’t exactly know what she had agreed to, but she didn’t particularly care either, it was a terrible idea regardless.

Crystal decided to go back to her dorm, she’d done enough work for one day and she doesn’t think she could focus on anything even if she tried. She debates calling Rock but elects not to, there wasn’t any need to bother her friend over this. She was mature enough to know that it was just her little crush blowing things out of proportion, she just needed to get a hold of herself, she needed a stiff drink too.


	8. I’ll take a hit of whatever you got

By the time Crystal had gotten back to her dorm yesterday, it was 5PM. She’d spent the rest of the evening evaluating all the choices she’d made that had led her to that moment, the rest of the night contemplating her next move and the subsequent morning trying to talk herself out of it.

Gigi had said ‘same time tomorrow’ and while Crystal couldn’t be sure what that meant exactly she was certain it was an invitation of some sort.

Crystal thinks it was more than likely that she wouldn’t even show up. Regardless she’d spent more time fussing over her appearance than she ever had in her life. Before she’d realised that she was putting too much thought into it and had decided that clean clothes were good enough, she’d planned to get there far enough in advance to get some work done anyway, and she didn’t want to get paint on her nicer clothes.

The room was as warm and inviting as it had been the day before, Crystal took a seat at the same bench and got to work, pulling out her supplies and scattering them out around her while she worked. It was only 1PM, so she thinks that if Gigi was going to stop by again today, it wouldn’t be until later. Crystal got to work fixing up one of the old easels and stuck a spare canvas on it, they were all covered in a thick layer of dust anyway so she doesn’t think anyone would mind if she used one. She quickly lost track of time, as she often did when she was painting, and by the time she looked up from her work she was covered in paint. It was nearly 4PM, Gigi hadn’t shown yet but there was still plenty of time. Crystal doesn’t know why the idea of her possibly not coming hurt her the way it did, she tried to not to overthink but she felt her anxiety increase as more time passed. 

At 4 O’clock on the dot the door opened and in walked Gigi, there was a bundle of fabric hanging over her arm that she laid carefully onto the workbench next to the sewing machine. “Oh good, you’re here.” She said, as if she wasn’t surprised at all to see Crystal. 

Crystal only glances at her briefly, her lip sucked in between her teeth as she concentrated on trying to blend the blue paint into the red that was already drying on the canvas. “Good afternoon…” she mutters, staring intently at her painting.

Gigi hums but otherwise doesn’t respond, though Crystal wasn’t surprised, Gigi had never bothered with pleasantries before. She turned to look over her shoulder, the bundle of fabric was a dress of some sort and Gigi was already making little marks on it with a pencil, apparently she had every intention of actually working today and Crystal breathed out a little sigh of relief.

They work quietly for a while, and Crystal finds it’s a lot easier to just enjoy Gigi’s company when she isn't invading her personal space, or deliberately trying to fluster her. The peace couldn’t last forever though.

“Hey, what’s your dress size?” Gigi breaks the silence.

Crystal doesn’t know what she was expecting them to talk about but it certainly wasn’t that. She tries to think of an answer anyway, but realizes that all of the clothes she wore now came from the men’s section or a thrift store. “Um… I’m not sure, I haven’t been dress shopping since middle school…” She admits and feels a little embarrassed when she hears Gigi laugh lightly.

“Have you been here long?” Gigi asks, flicking through pages of a sketchbook before setting it down on the side.

Crystal looks up at the clock on the far wall. “About an hour or so…” She lies through her teeth, the last thing she wants Gigi to know is that she’d been waiting for her since noon.

“Care to take a break?” Gigi asks, Crystal thinks she can hear a smile in her voice. 

“Sure…” Crystal finishes the section she had been working on and sets her brush down in an empty jar. She turns to face her just as Gigi is gathering the garment she had been working on into her arms.

“Great, I need your help for a minute.” She says, and Crystal wonders what on earth Gigi could be doing that she’d be able to help with. Crystal shrugs her paint splattered shirt off her shoulders and throws it over the stool she’d been sitting on, leaving her in just her jeans and a white tank top. “Try this on for me?” She asks, though it doesn’t sound like a question. Gigi’s walking towards her, holding the blue fabric out in front of her and staring at it with her head cocked to the side.

“Okay…” Crystal swallows thickly, she’s not sure where this is going but her heart's racing already. Gigi holds the dress up to Crystal’s front, tucking the top part under her arm to hold it in place. She smooths her hands down and settles them on her waist, pulling the fabric taunt to gauge if it’ll fit. All Crystal could do is try not to blush and she was failing miserably. “Do you need me to…?” She doesn’t know how to finish that sentence, she’s not sure why she even offered in the first place.

Gigi seems to know what she was referring to anyway, her eyes meet Crystal’s only for a second and there’s something in them that she can’t quite describe but makes her heart flutter in her chest. “No,” She says, after a moment of silence. “You can just pull this on over your clothes…” There’s something about the way her voice tightened that confused Crystal, it was almost as if she was a little nervous.

Crystal only nods and lifts her arms up so Gigi could pull the dress down over her head. The fabric is loose and hangs off her frame but she’s still careful not to pull any of the delicate stitches out as she holds it to her.

Gigi’s hands glide over her hips. “Thank you.” she says quietly, before she turns to grab a pin cushion and a marker from the bench.

“You’re welcome…”Crystal all but mutters. 

When Gigi returns she drops to her knees in front of Crystal. She places a hand on her thigh, bunching the fabric at the side and placing a pin in it. Crystal can’t help but shiver under her touch, and watches Gigi’s movements closely. The blonde lets out a breathy laugh and looks up at Crystal with a slight smile. “Hold still.” She orders and Crystal nods and does everything she can do to ignore what was happening down below. Gigi works slowly, methodically. It’s so quiet and all Crystal can hear is the blood pumping in her ears. Gigi looks up at her again through hooded eyes, Crystal’s biting her lip ever so slightly and staring out of the window. Gigi slides her hand underneath the fabric, her fingers tracing the inner seam of Crystal’s jeans. She’s making marks on the outside of the dress and her hand curves around Crystal’s thigh, high enough to make the girl’s breath hitch in her throat. 

Her hand is still moving, higher than it had any business being and Crystal tries to ignore the way it makes her feel and she’s both grateful and resentful of the thick denim separating her hand from the sensitive skin of her inner thigh. She squeezes her eyes shut for a moment, trying to gather all the courage she could to put an end to this. “Gigi…” she starts, but it comes out barely louder than a whisper.

Suddenly Gigi’s pulling her hands away, and she grips the hem of the dress and starts pulling it up over Crystal’s body carefully. She’s on her feet in an instant and Crystal is all too aware of their slight height difference and how close she’s standing to her. “Arms up.” She says, another order and Crystal does as she’s told. Her hands are gently easing the fabric up her waist, careful not to dislodge any pins. Crystal feels Gigi’s thumbs slide over the sides of her breasts and the gasp she made is audible but muffled as Gigi pulls the dress all the way over her head quickly and with ease. 

Once she’s free from her confines Crystal takes a shaky breath. Gigi places the garment on the workbench next to them but doesn’t make a move to distance them from each other at all. Her head is spinning and she feels utterly intoxicated and she tries desperately to continue her train of thought. The tension between them was building by the second and she knew that Gigi’s actions had to have been deliberate and she just couldn't take it any longer. 

“Gigi you have to stop…”

Gigi’s face is inches away from hers, and when she looks back from laying her dress down their noses are nearly touching. “Stop what?” She says, like she didn’t already know.

All Crystal wants to do is put some distance between them but her body betrays her and stays put, like she was under some kind of spell. “ _ This. _ Whatever it is you’re trying to do here…” she couldn’t finish her sentence. Gigi doesn’t respond, but her hand rests gently on Crystal’s hip and it only weakens her resolve.

“I get that this is all a game for you but I don’t think I can do this anymore…” Gigi isn’t meeting her eyes and Crystal feels like she’s drowning. She tries to pull away, but the instant she does Gigi pulls her back in place and their bodies are even closer than before. She gasps in surprise and suddenly Gigi’s lips are on hers.

She tries to resist but that only lasts a second before she gives in entirely. Her lips are like heaven and suddenly Crystal isn’t drowning anymore, it’s like her entire body is being consumed by the ocean floor and she reaches out to Gigi like a lifeline, tangling her hands into her hair and pouring every ounce of torment she had endured into the kiss.

Gigi moans into her mouth and it’s like music to her ears. Her hands are roaming everywhere before they settle on Crystal’s waist and Gigi pulls the girl flush against her. Crystal reaches up to grasp her cheek and hold her head in place in a move that’s driven by sheer frustration rather than confidence. She traces Gigi’s cheekbone with her thumb and comes into contact with something wet. It jars her enough that she pauses and gasps lightly. Gigi pulls away and Crystal misses the contact immediately. All she could do is stare at her with her mouth still open slightly, breathing heavily. Gigi’s staring at the floor and there’s a single tear on her cheek.

Crystal has the feeling that she’d wandered into far more dangerous territory than she’d initially thought. Her hand still rests on Gigi's cheek and she turns the girl’s head to look at her. She only shakes her head and pulls Crystal’s hands away, holding them in front of her and looking down at them instead.

“Are you-“ Crystal starts but Gigi cuts her off with another swift kiss. 

“Don’t…” She mumbles, and Crystal thinks that if Gigi had looked vulnerable that night at the party she looked utterly broken right now. 

“Gigi…” She tried again, her heart was still racing and she hadn’t quite caught her breath. Gigi leans in to kiss her again but Crystal resists pulling away barely an inch.

_ “Crystal, please…”  _ The use of her name is enough to make her give in and their lips meet again. 

This kiss is slower than the last, more intimate and deliberate and it takes Crystal’s breath away just the same. Her lips are so soft and inviting that she completely forgets everything else. Her mind goes blank and all she can think of is how good it feels to finally be doing what she’d denied herself of even fantasising about for so long. Crystal came from a long line of religious nuts but she’d never believed in God or the Devil until now. How could she not? When the proof of their existence was pressed deliciously against her and doing things with her mouth that could only be considered sinful and heavenly all at once. When they finally pulled away for air, Gigi had regained her composure and was toying with a strand of Crystal’s hair. She could feel the warmth of Gigi’s palm against her neck.

“You can’t tell anyone about this.”

Crystal nods, she’s not sure what  _ this  _ is but she thinks that she could keep it to herself, for now at least. “I won’t.”

“Promise me.” Gigi says, more forcefully this time and Crystal would be intimidated if she wasn’t still feeling delirious from the kiss.

“I promise.” She utters, finally catching her gaze once again.

Gigi smiles and kisses her again but only briefly. When she pulls away for the last time she takes a step back. “We should probably get back to work, I have to sew this thing now…” she breaths with a light laugh. 

Crystal’s head is too foggy to think of a proper response so she just nods her head. “Good idea…”

Gigi gives her hand a squeeze before letting go, she takes the dress back over to where she’d been working on it before and it’s like nothing had even happened. 

Crystal goes back to her painting, and she’s faintly aware of the sound of the sewing machine in the background but she blocks it out, along with the memories of what had just transpired. She moves on autopilot as she finishes up her painting, her head too full to put any thought into what she was doing. They work in silence and she’d lost track of all concepts of time when suddenly there’s an arm around her waist and a pair of lips pressed to her cheek. 

“Thanks for the help…” Gigi says with a smile as she pulls away.

Crystal had been caught by surprise and it took her a second too long to respond. “You’re welcome…”

Gigi’s already making her way to the door, and throws another glance at Crystal before she leaves. “See you around.”

The door was shut before she could process that that was goodbye. Crystal thinks she’d left too soon and the absence of her is crushing. She looks up at the clock above the door, it’s past 6PM and she thinks that the clock must have been too fast because there was no way that Gigi had been there for two whole hours. The sun hung low in the sky and it had already taken on a faint orange glow indicating that sunset wasn’t far off.

She gathered her things and pulled on her shirt. Leaving her canvas where it was, she put the caps back on the tubes of paint and cleaned up some of her mess, her body moving completely of its own accord. 

She leaves soon after that, making her way back to her dorm with nothing but a thousand unanswered questions and the memory of Gigi’s lips on hers to keep her company. When she gets back to her room she throws herself down on her bed. The world was spinning and her thoughts were quickly spiralling out of control. She remembered the way Gigi’s skin had felt under her hands, the way her lips had tasted and the way she had looked at her after. Crystal could still feel that single tear on her thumb and her heart aches suddenly. 

She gets off the bed and opens the window before she lights up a cigarette and pours herself a drink. The cheap whiskey burns her throat in the best way possible and she thinks that it’s nice to have something to tether her to reality.

She couldn’t even begin to analyse the events of that day, she hadn’t even processed what had happened or what it all meant. 

Her phone is ringing, it would only be Jackie or Rock calling and she knew that if she didn’t answer they would only come by to check on her anyway. She tries to keep her voice level as she talks to her friend on the phone, they were gonna go for a drive and Crystal contemplates turning down the offer of joining them. She knows that’ll raise too many questions and she doesn’t think she could bring herself to lie to them right now so she agrees to join them. She needed the distraction anyway. 

Soon enough she’s hopping into the backseat of Jackie’s car and they’re talking and laughing and she’s desperately trying to stay in the moment but her imagination keeps wandering off on its accord and filling her brain with thoughts of Gigi. She feels herself blushing and she’s grateful she can blame it on the alcohol when Rock asks teasingly what she was daydreaming about.

When Crystal gets into bed that night, drunk and a little high she lays there and thinks that there was no substance on earth more intoxicating than Gigi Goode. She’d kissed plenty of boys back home but no one had ever come close to making her feel like this. She doesn’t know if anyone else would ever make her feel this way again, if anyone could even attempt to after this. She can’t think of anything else, as much as she tries to, and falls asleep thinking about her. All she dreamt of were Gigi’s lips on hers and when she wakes in the morning she thinks that even her wildest dreams could never compare to the real thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I can say is fucking finally! ✨✨✨


	9. too real life and too much like a dream

Gigi sat alone in her room. The curtains were drawn, the lights were out and the door was locked yet she felt as though there were a million eyes on her, monitoring her every move. Things hadn’t gone according to plan, and though it wasn’t unsurprising the loss of control left her reeling. She felt sick and the glass of wine she had stolen from Nicky probably wasn’t helping. Gigi rarely indulged herself like this, preferring to stay clear headed and in charge at all times. Though apparently she was feeling particularly  _ impulsive  _ today, and doesn’t think it’ll do much harm, it certainly couldn’t make things any worse than she already had. 

Gigi had never been one for pacing when she felt anxious or frustrated, so she sat quietly with her legs crossed one over the other until she simply couldn’t bear it anymore. Her skin was crawling with regret. No, not regret,  _ guilt. _ As much as she hated herself for losing control in that moment, she couldn’t bring herself to actually regret what she had done, even if right now she wished she hadn’t.

As well as sharing a room, Gigi and Nicky also shared their own bathroom. She entered it mindlessly and turned on the water in the tub as hot as it would go. She stood at the sink basin, ridding herself of her clothes and she was grateful when the steam started to fog up the mirror, at least she didn’t have to look at herself. She stands there completely naked for a minute, still slowly nursing her glass of wine as she waits for the tub to fill. When she finally slips into the water she hisses when it touches her skin, scalding her as she submerged herself as much as the tub would allow. The water is far too hot but she enjoys the way it burns, getting a sick satisfaction out of the self-punishment, like it could erase the shame she felt if she endured it for long enough.

Gigi had been with plenty of girls before, and while she enjoyed it in the moment she was always left feeling sick to her stomach, with this deep rooted fear that seemed to last longer and longer each time. This incident was no different, in fact it might have been worse.

It had been easier before, when she could just skulk around as a nihilistic teenager. Angry at herself for being different and angry at the world for making her this way, but was hardly that girl anymore, she had grown out of her childish coping mechanisms and was left to face her crippling reality as an adult. Gigi Had been an idiot to think she could allow herself this, she’d let herself get too comfortable and now she had to suffer the consequences.

Gigi  _ liked  _ Crystal, she was attractive and kind, and there was something about her small-town naivety that had made her feel safe enough to pursue her. It had been fun to watch her squirm, but she’d let her guard down and it had only taken a second for her to take it too far. She had wanted to kiss her, she wanted to do  _ a lot  _ more than just kiss her but that had never been part of the plan. There was no plausible deniability anymore, nothing that could logically explain away her actions at this point.

If she had learnt anything at all it was that image was everything, and if this came out it would  _ ruin  _ her. Gigi had risked it all just to kiss a pretty girl and she knew herself enough to know that there was no turning back now.

The part of her that wished she hadn’t done it was being consumed by the part of her that desperately longed to do it again, and somehow that makes her feel worse. 

The pressure to be perfect she’d always endured was increasing by the day, and the constant paranoia was exhausting. All she wanted was to live in a world where she could truly be herself but she’d learned a long time ago that that was simply unrealistic for someone like her.

The water had cooled considerably, realising she had been there a while, she washes away her musings and goes to get dressed. She couldn’t let Nicky find her brooding in the bathtub when she returned, she knew her friend cared for her deeply, and she’d ask too many questions consequently. None of which, Gigi was prepared to answer. 

Once dried and dressed, Gigi pulled out her diary and the shirt that was wrapped around it. She held it to her chest like she could receive some comfort from it and sat on her bed. She let out all of her turmoil into the pages of her diary, detailing every thought and feeling she’d had that day, like she did everyday, and when she was done she locked it back up in the box under her bed. She paused to decide whether or not she should put the shirt back too, but shoves it under her pillow after a moment without giving it much thought. It was easier than actually digesting her emotions, or even letting herself feel them for longer than was convenient for her.

There was a knock on the door. “Gigi! Let me in!” Nicky shouted from the other side. Gigi hopped off the bed and went to unlock the door, Nicky all but ran inside, pushing past her and heading straight for the bathroom.

Gigi just shook her head and sat back down on the bed, Nicky emerged from the bathroom barely a minute later.

“Wanna tell me why you’re sitting in the dark?” Nicky asks as she goes to open the curtains.

“I had a headache.” She shrugs in response, pulling her legs up to her chest. The truth was that was her excuse for everything nowadays.

Nicky throws her a concerned look, before going to tackle the pile of laundry on her bed. “Another migraine? You’ve been getting those a lot, maybe you should go to the doctor…”

Gigi laughs lightly, but there was no humor in her voice when she says, “You sound like my mother.”

Nicky only rolls her eyes. “How is she anyway?”

“Happy.” Gigi grumbles, “Yet again, Karen’s gone butting in where she’s not wanted and told her that I’m seeing David again…”

Nicky scoffs. “I don’t understand why that bitch has to get involved…” She starts, carefully refolding and putting away her clothes. “And I don’t understand why you guys are back together anyway.” She deadpanned.

Gigi sighs, running a hand through her damp hair and letting it fall against her shoulders again. “I got sick of hearing him whine about how much he missed me all the time, and my mom’s been nagging me to  _ settle down  _ since Nathan got engaged…” She shrugged.

“Gi, you could get any guy you want,” Nicky shoves the drawer closed a little harder than necessary and turns to face her friend. “If you’re just doing this for your mom’s sake, you could at least go out with a guy you actually like?”

Gigi moved to lay across the bed, resting on her elbows and squishing her cheeks in her hands. “That’s never going to happen, guys are all so gross.” She pouted.

Nicky laughed and shook her head. “Careful, Georgia, somebody might hear that and think you’re a lesbian…”

“Nicky, that’s disgusting!” She protested quickly, pulling a face. “And don’t call me that…” she added, pouting even more than before.

Nicky rolled her eyes at her friend's response, there was a look on her face that Gigi couldn’t decipher and she hoped to god it wasn’t suspicion. “I’m just saying that I think you need to be taking your own feelings into consideration, you’re always trying to please everyone else. When was the last time you did something just because  _ you  _ wanted to?”

Gigi wanted so desperately to tell her friend the truth; she trusted Nicky more than anyone. They had been best friends since she’d transferred to their high school in the middle of freshman year, and while Gigi was fairly confident that Nicky wouldn’t be phased at all if she decided to come out to her, the idea of saying the words out loud made her nauseous.

“I stole your wine because I wanted to…” Gigi shrugs, gesturing to the empty bottle on her nightstand.

“You bitch!” Nicky shouts as her comically large eyes flick between said bottle and her friend, though it was obvious that she wasn’t actually mad. “That settles it then, we’re going to get more.” She says, throwing her hands up.

“How? Neither of us have an ID?” Gigi deadpanned.

Nicky contemplates this for a moment longer than necessary. “I have a friend who could get us some…” She says finally.

“Who?” Gigi asks.

“You wouldn’t know her…” Nicky responds quickly.

Gigi looks at her suspiciously. “Why wouldn’t I know her?”

“Because she’s not exactly  _ in our circle _ …” she says with a sigh. Gigi looks at her with narrowed eyes. “Want me to call her or not?”

Gigi nods anyway, getting up off the bed. “Sure,” She shrugs, already making her way over to the vanity to start making herself look presentable.

——-

They were stopped at an ATM, Gigi awkwardly standing by Nicky as she withdrew some cash.

“How do you know this girl anyway?”

Nicky hummed to herself, putting the notes in her purse. “Oh she’s helped me out before, she’s the only one I know with a half-decent fake…” She shrugs, nodding her head in the direction she wanted Gigi to follow.

They start making their way to the store, there was a girl waiting outside who Gigi recognised to be one of Crystal’s friends, her overly obnoxious outfit practically glowing in the store’s neon lights. She looked back and forth between her friend and the girl. “That doesn’t answer my question…”

Gigi’s words fall on deaf ears as Nicky skips a few paces ahead of her. The girl smiled at Nicky but it faltered once she realised Gigi was trailing behind her.

“Oh, hey, I’m Rock,” The girl introduced herself, offering a hand with a somewhat sheepish but still overly-friendly grin. 

Gigi crossed her arms over her chest, staring at Rock’s outstretched hand. Nicky threw her a look over her shoulder, prompting her to be nice. “Gigi.” She said plainly.

Rock dropped her hand but seemed unphased by Gigi’s response. “Merlot, right?” She says, addressing Nicky directly.

Nicky smiles and offers the cash to her between two fingers. “You know me so well…” she says with a laugh Gigi would describe as flirtatious if she didn’t know any better.

Rock only grins and takes the money before heading inside. Nicky pulls Gigi away from the store and they walk a couple paces down the street. She pulls out a cigarette and offers one to Gigi, who takes it gladly.

“This feels shady…” Gigi says with a shrug, lighting her cigarette.

Nicky rolls her eyes. “She’s a nice girl, and we’ve done worse things for a bottle of wine.” She adds with a sly laugh.

“That was in high school… and at least I knew the guys.” Gigi says through a mouthful of smoke.

“Barely,” Nicky scoffs. “She’s my friend, Geege… she’s not gonna go telling your mom.”

“Well I don’t trust your friend.” Gigi bites back before she could stop herself, she cringes internally at the way it came out of her mouth.

Nicky nods and takes another drag of her cigarette. “Well, you don’t trust anyone so…”

Gigi narrowed her eyes at her friend, it wasn’t untrue but the way she said it gave Gigi pause.

Before she could retort, Rock left the store and approached them with a bag which clearly contained several bottles, they clunk together loudly as she held it up to Nicky.

“Thank you so much!” Nicky exclaimed, already pulling her bag off her shoulder. She took the bag from Rock and shoved it inside, they barely fit but it was better than carrying them completely out in the open. 

“Don’t mention it,” Rock grinned. “You guys going out tonight?”

Nicky shook her head, “No, We’re just gonna get drunk and talk about boys…” She laughed, and there was something in the way she looked at the girl that made Gigi suspicious, like it was an inside joke.

Rock giggles, “Well, have fun. I’d offer you guys a ride back but Jackie just picked up Crystal so there’s not much room…”

Gigi had been observing their interaction quietly until then, but she couldn’t help the way she perked up at the mention of Crystal. She found Rock looking straight back at her and swiftly averted her eyes.

“Don’t worry about it, it’s like five minutes anyway.” Nicky shrugged, tossing her cigarette end to the ground and crushing it underneath her shoe.

“Well I should get going…they’re waiting in the car,” Rock starts, looking between the two girls. Gigi was still adamant on avoiding her gaze, praying that she would just disappear. “I’ll see you,” She says, smiling sweetly at Nicky.

“Thanks again,” Nicky said as the girl started to walk away.

Rock glanced over her shoulder and giggled, “Anytime…”

When Rock was finally far enough away, Gigi let out a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding. She felt awkward and out of place and that wasn’t how she was used to feeling at all.

“You know it wouldn’t kill you to smile once in a while,” Nicky says as they start walking back to the house. “She was doing us a favour…”

“I’m sorry,” Gigi mumbles with a sigh, she didn’t consider herself to be a rude person, but she was aware that she could come across standoffish at times. “I still have a headache…” She lied.

Nicky glanced at her friend, before focusing her eyes on the street. “You sure? Cause you’ve been bitchyer than usual today…” She says, and when Gigi doesn’t respond she continues, “I’m supposed to be your best friend, Gi. If something’s bothering you we can talk about it…”

“Why do you think something’s bothering me? I told you I have a headache…” Gigi replies after a moment, though she can tell that Nicky sees right through her.

“Oh I don’t know…” She shrugged, “Could be this whole  _ dark cloud  _ you’ve got hanging over your head?”

Completely out of nowhere Gigi’s overcome with the urge to cry, but she holds back the tears and forces her head up. “Nick-“

“Gigi, I know you… What’s up with you?”

They stop walking abruptly, and there’s something about the genuine concern in Nicky’s voice that makes Gigi pull her into a hug. “I don’t know, I really don’t…” She utters. She feels her friend's arms wrap around her, it’s comforting and she relaxes a little instantly, but when Nicky’s hand settles on her lower back she’s plunged into the memory of Crystal doing the same thing as they kissed, and she pulls back like she’d been burnt. She shakes the thoughts out of her head and tries to laugh it off. “Sorry, that was weird…”

It  _ was  _ weird. The last time Gigi had actually hugged Nicky on her own accord had been a few years ago, after she’d lost her virginity to a guy at some house party and had been thrown into the depths of emotional turmoil.

Nicky looked more worried than she had before, but let herself laugh lightly along with her friend. “Yeah, it was…”

Gigi shook her head again and smiled as genuinely as she could. “Sorry, you’re right… I’m just in a really shitty mood.”

Nicky hummed quietly and laced their hands together as they started walking again. “Okay, we are  _ definitely  _ getting drunk tonight…”

——-

They were two bottles deep when Nicky brought up the subject again. They sat crossed legged on the floor opposite from one another, they had been laughing until then and whilst Gigi had done her best to distract herself, her mind was still in complete pandemonium.

“So… Ready to talk?”

Gigi shakes her head. “We’ve already been talking?”

Nicky let her head fall to the side. “Gigi…”

“Yes, I get it.” She says with a sigh, and takes a long sip of her wine. “I’m just in a really weird mood today, it’s fine though honestly.”

“It doesn’t seem fine…” Nicky pauses to adjust the way her legs were tucked underneath her. “Did something happen?”

_ Yes. _

“No- I…” Gigi mumbles, before taking a breath. She was clearly feeling the effects of the wine, she wasn’t a heavy drinker by any means and knew she’d overdone it when she’s overcome with the urge to confess all. “I really  _ kinda  _ like this  _ guy _ … and it’s just been bothering me because I don’t know why I like him so much like we’ve barely talked and he’s  _ all I think about _ -“ Gigi cut herself off with an irritated sigh and threw her head back, practically inhaling the last of her wine.

Nicky took Gigi’s glass and poured out another drink for them both, her eyes wide. “Why is this the first I’m hearing of this- you never even told me you’d met somebody, when did this happen? Is he a freshman?” She rambles, utterly confused.

“It’s not that big a deal, I barely even know him, I- Fuck!” Gigi rolled her eyes and cursed the drink in her hand for making her open her mouth. 

“Gigi, this is a huge deal you’ve been on the verge of tears all day-“

“Oh I was not on the verge of fucking tears, Nick-“

“You were moping around in the dark like you were contemplating suicide!”

Gigi shook her head, feeling a deeply unsettling mix of embarrassment and annoyance. “Nick, I get that you’re a theatre kid but there’s no need to over-dramatise everything…”

“I’m over-dramatising everything? Gigi, you’re the one who’s been crying over some boy all day!”

“I’ve not cried once!” She protests, taking another long sip to buy herself some time. “This is why I wasn’t going to tell you…”

“So you wouldn’t have to admit that you have a heart after all?” Nicky laughs, shaking her head in disbelief. “So what happened? Does he not like you or something?”

“Nicky, it’s more complicated than that.” She sighs, thinking that at any moment she was going to break out in hives like she was physically allergic to this conversation.

“Explain it to me then?” Nick says, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“I can’t.” Gigi snapped, taking them both by surprise. She ran a hand through her hair frustratedly. “Sorry I’m just in a really bad mood, and I’m very drunk and this has been playing on my mind so much lately and I’m  _ very drunk _ and I have a headache-“

“Hey, it’s fine-“ Nicky starts, reaching out a hand to rest on Gigi’s arm. “I’m sorry for prying… it’s just I didn’t even think you  _ liked  _ guys…” She tails off with a light laugh.

“Of course I like guys.” Gigi says quickly, and she thinks that after so many years of playing straight that that was the most unconvincing that lie had ever sounded. “I mean I’m only human…” She adds with a laugh of her own.

Nicky shrugs. “I don’t know, I mean I just never really pictured you falling for anyone y’know… So are you going to break up David?”

Gigi nearly chokes on her wine. She had completely forgotten about him. “No. If dating that asshole keeps my mom off my back then I’ll gladly keep pretending to  _ actually  _ like him.” She wrinkles her nose in disgust.

“You can’t just string him along, Gi… I think he really likes you, and you can’t just keep seeing him if you’d rather be fucking some other guy… it’s not fair to him.”

“Kinda like what you’ve been doing to Chris?”

Nicky bursts out laughing. “Oh you bitch! I’ll have you know that Chris is as active a participant in our arrangement as I am.”

Gigi just shook her head, rolling her eyes for the umpteenth time. “You get my point.” She swiftly finishes her drink and passes the glass to Nicky to pour her another. “Bedsides, I still need David to cover for me.”

“So your mother wouldn’t like this guy?”

“Oh, I think she’d like him, she just wouldn’t  _ approve. _ ”

Nicky raises her eyebrows, handing Gigi her glass back after she’d replenished it. “What is he some kind of delinquent or something?”

Gigi laughs, her head suddenly conjuring the image of sweet Crystal doing anything to be considered a  _ delinquent. _ “Worse.” She says with a nonchalant shrug.

“Georgia! I’m shocked… and a little impressed…”

Gigi laughed again. She was glad the conversation hadn’t taken the turn she thought it would. She yawns and stretches her arms above her head, and suddenly catches a glimpse of the clock on Nicky’s nightstand. “It’s three in the fucking morning?”

Nicky turns her head to check the time for herself. “Oh shit! I have class at eight.”

Gigi scoffs and gets to her feet, offering a hand to help up her friend. “Well, I think it’s time we get to bed…”

“I think you’re right.” Nicky nods and uses Gigi’s hand to pull herself up, carefully so as to not spill her wine all over the pristinely clean carpet.

Gigi goes and rests her glass down next to her bed. She’d already changed into something to sleep in when they got back from the store, so she got to work on fluffing up her pillows.

“What’s that?” Nicky asked as she crawled into her bed.

“What’s what?” Gigi mumbles, turning to finish her glass of wine before she got into bed too.

“That hideous plaid thing under your pillow?” Nicky laughed.

Gigi froze up immediately, but forced herself to reply as ordinarily as she could. “Oh, it’s my Dad’s…”

“You sleep with your Dad’s shirt?”

Gigi shrugged, turning around so Nicky couldn’t see the blush that was creeping onto her cheeks. “I miss him sometimes.” She answered, realising that that probably just made this seem weirder. She was in college, and Nicky knew full well that while she loved him, Gigi and her dad were not that close.

“Okay…” Nicky says after a long pause, clearly just finding it funny. “Anyway, goodnight.”

Gigi couldn’t believe how stupid she’d been to leave it lying around, but she let herself relax as slipped under the covers. Nicky didn’t seem to find it suspicious enough to question, and that was enough to calm her a little. She was just so paranoid today.

“Goodnight, Nick,” she said as she reached over to turn out her light. 

As soon as they were plunged into darkness, Gigi realised how obscenely drunk she was. She laid there wide awake and utterly exhausted for what felt like hours until there it was again, the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. She buried her face in her pillow, her hand reaching under it and curling Crystal’s shirt around her fingers.

She was just torturing herself at this point. She’d already made a decision and it had brought her no peace of mind whatsoever, but Gigi knew she couldn’t stay away from her, even if she wanted to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so much longer than usual! Feel free to nag me on my tumblr @thisblogisahatecrime anytime tho✨✨✨


	10. Darling, don’t be so shy (part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: drug use

Crystal and Jackie walked side by side out of their last class of the day. The campus grounds were bustling, people strode by roughly bumping shoulders with everyone in their path. The two girls weaved in and out of the crowds, dodging the flailing arms of people talking animatedly on the phone, no doubt planning how they would spend the upcoming weekend. Rock was walking a few steps ahead of them, energetically explaining something as her friends tried to keep up, barely even listening to her as she rambled over the hubbub.

They reached a reprieve and the girls all took a breath as they followed Rock to a patch of unoccupied grass in the quad, grateful to be out of all of the commotion.

Jackie sighed as she sat down. “Okay, you’re gonna have to start from the beginning, I didn’t get a word of that…” She chuckles.

Crystal rubbed the spot on her side where she’d been accidentally elbowed in the ribs, grumbling in discomfort. “Something about a party?”

“You guys!” Rock whined, fidgeting restlessly where she sat. “I was saying…” She starts, taking a breath. “My friend Michael is having a  _ gathering  _ down at the beach tonight and he’s asked me to invite all my friends, and I would really like it if you guys would come!”

“An off-campus party?” Crystal asked, raising her eyebrows.

“ _ Druggie Michael?” _ Jackie rolled her eyes, leaning back on her hands to stare down the girl.

“Yes and well, yes… but he doesn’t sell anymore, I saw him today,” Rock answered both of them.

Jackie laughed and shook her head. “Well if you hung out with him today then that explains why you’re so…  _ bouncy _ …” She says, trying to find the right word to describe the sight in front of her.

Rock sighs, “I haven’t taken anything!” She protests, before a manic grin takes over her face. She pulls her backpack around and taps the front pocket fondly. “But I may have procured something for us tonight…”

“We are not doing drugs at the beach.” Crystal declares, rolling her eyes at her friends, giggling in disbelief.

“Seconded.” Jackie says, pulling out her pack of cigarettes and offering them to both girls before lighting one for herself. 

“Okay, okay! But you’re coming right?” Rock asks, still wiggling around like an excited toddler.

Crystal hums as she thinks. She was always wary of attending parties off campus, where she couldn’t easily return to the safety of her dorm if things went wrong, but she figured that they all needed a change of scenery for once. She nods her head as she blows out a mouthful of smoke. “Sure, sounds fun.” She shrugs.

Jackie nods in agreement, before asking, “Who else did you invite?”

Whilst the two girls in front of her were undoubtedly her best friends, Rock was one of those people who didn’t find it hard at all to make acquaintances, and seemed to know people from all walks of life. “A couple,” She says, not bothering to give them an exact number as it was most likely in the twenties. “Oh! I invited Nicky.”

“You sure that was a good idea?” Crystal asks. As much as Rock liked to pretend she had fully gotten over whatever romantic attachment she had to the girl, her friends knew that Rock was like a ticking time bomb and it wouldn’t take long at all for her to fall straight back in love with her.

Jackie scoffs. “Will she even come?”

“Yeah, she said she’s super excited, and we’re just friends now so it’s all good… and plus she told me that her and Gigi were already going.” She answers with a shrug, laying down fully on the grass and puffing away on her cigarette.

Crystal feels her cheeks heat up immediately at the mention of her. She hadn’t told her friend what had transpired last weekend, and made herself busy pulling at the grass beside her to avoid making eye contact with Rock, who was looking at her through her sunglasses waiting for a reaction.

“Oh, Gigi Goode getting off her high horse to mingle with the common people? Now  _ that  _ I have to see to believe…” Jackie laughs humorlessly. It was no secret that she didn’t like the sorority girls, and apparently her opinion of them had fallen even lower than before, no doubt due to the increased torment she had endured from said girls in recent weeks.

Rock rolled her eyes. “Actually I met Gigi the other night, I still think she’s a cunt but she didn’t seem that bad…”

“You met Gigi?” Crystal asks, her interest in participating in the conversation suddenly peaking.

Rock sits up again. “Yeah, the other night when I ran into the store for Nicky.” She explained.

“You didn’t tell me…” Crystal says before she could really think about it. She catches Jackie giving her a strange look out of the corner of her eye and continues, “How did that go?”

“About as well as expected.” Rock shrugs and puffs on her cigarette. “She's a lot more intimidating up close, but I don’t know, she seemed kinda… sad? Like I didn’t expect her to talk to me anyway…” She trailed off.

Crystal narrowed her eyes, and was about to question her when Jackie beat her to it. “She was probably just freaked out, I mean that’s probably the closest she’s ever gotten to a real life lesbian...” Jackie laughed, just as Crystal took a sip of her water and nearly choked on it in her surprise.

Rock threw her head back in a fit of giggles. “Do you think she wiped down the bottles before she touched them? She wouldn’t want to accidentally catch the gay.”

“Well obviously.” Jackie chuckled. “You didn’t touch her did you? She probably had to run back to take a bath in bleach to kill all the  _ lesbian germs _ before she got contaminated…”

Crystal sucked on her teeth and forced herself not to pay her friends any mind. She was assaulted with the memory of holding Gigi in her arms and she forces down the uncomfortable feelings that came with it. They were clearly joking, and it wasn’t like they knew any different, even Crystal didn’t know enough to really dispute what they were saying. It hurt nonetheless, and she waited quietly until their laughter died down.

“So I take it Nicky still hasn’t told her about you guys?”

Rock shakes her head. “No, and I guess now she never will cause we’re like  _ over  _ over, y’know?” She shrugged, taking the last few pulls out of her cigarette before squishing it into the ground. “She’s out to a few of the girls though, not about me but in general… but I think hell will freeze over before she tells Gigi.” She finishes with another lighter laugh.

“Because Gigi would probably rather die than have a dyke for a roommate.” Jackie adds, rolling her eyes.

“ _ Bisexual. _ ” Rock corrects, pulling another cigarette out of the packet on the ground, holding it up to Jackie for approval before lighting it up.

“So they’re definitely coming tonight?” Crystal asks, trying not to sound too interested.

“Yep!” Rock confirms with a smile. “And I’m gonna find the hottest girl there and fuck her right there in Nicky’s face.”

“So classy… She’ll surely rue the day she ever dumped you.” Jackie rolled her eyes fondly at her friend.

“Damn right!” She giggles. “Michael said he invited all the most eligible bachelorettes around so I’ll be spoilt for choice.” Rock wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. 

“So what time are we going?” Crystal asked, flicking the end of her cigarette away from them.

“Starts at seven, so we’ll get there about ten?” Rock looks between the two girls to see if there were any objections.

“Sounds good to me, is it far? I don’t want to drive if I have to leave my car there overnight…” Jackie says, getting off the ground to wipe the grass off of herself.

“We can get a cab?” Crystal suggests.

Rock shakes her head and exhales a mouthful of smoke. “No it’s fine, we can totally walk it. It’s not that far from where we usually go…”

——-

It was around 11PM when the three girls finally made their way to the beach. Turns out that it was a lot further than they had anticipated but luckily enough they were just tipsy enough not to care. 

Rock’s friend owned a condo just off the shore and when they finally arrived it was packed full of people, Crystal assumed that the vast majority of them were a lot older than the average college student, and wondered how exactly Rock had met this elusive  _ Michael  _ that she had heard absolutely nothing about.

They made a lap of the party once they had fixed themselves a drink, they wound up on the deck outside and it was there Crystal saw at least a few people she recognised amongst the seemingly never ending crowd that gathered on the beach. Since Rock had mentioned Gigi was going to be in attendance, Crystal had been filled with a nervous anticipation that had slowly crept up on her until she found herself searching for Gigi in the sea of people, overwhelmed with anxiety. She’d had almost an entire week to process what had happened in the art room, and while she had come to terms with the fact that she maybe,  _ possibly  _ liked Gigi a whole lot more than she had originally thought, she was left with so many unanswered questions that her head physically ached trying to rationalise them.

Crystal had never been a particularly rational person, she liked to live in the moment and make fast decisions which only made this situation harder for her to wrap her head around. There was no spontaneity when she was second guessing her every move and constantly wondering what would come next.

She spoke to a couple people, and Rock ensured that her cup was always full, leaving her pleasantly drunk and just warm enough when they stepped away from the party about an hour later.

“You having fun?” Rock asked her as she sparked up the joint in her hand.

Crystal took a seat on the steps, holding her drink close to her. “I am actually… your friends are all really nice.” 

Rock had introduced her to a few people once they had lost track of Jackie, who’d apparently found a girl to hookup with in one of the rooms upstairs. Crystal was right when she thought that most of the people seemed a lot older than them, everyone she had spoken to were either grad-students or freelancers. “They are, aren’t they…” Rock said with a fond smile, she sat down next to Crystal and bounced her legs up and down as she passed the joint to her.

“You cold?” Crystal asked as she gladly accepted the joint from her friend, who was shaking next to her with a big smile on her face.

“No.” Rock giggled. “It seems the gods of partying have decided to bless me with a good time.”

Crystal rolled her eyes but laughed nonetheless. “Party favours?”

Rock didn’t answer but tapped the side of her nose and gave her an exaggerated wink before falling into another fit of giggles. “But you can’t tell Jackie!”

Crystal giggled with her and chugged the rest of her drink, which probably wasn’t a good idea as had already started to slur her words. “I’m telling mom…” She said, elongating the last syllable until Rock slapped her arm playfully.

“Don’t you dare!” She said, pointing a finger towards her. “If you tell her then-“ Rock paused to swallow. “I’ll tell her that you have a crush on Gigi!” She said finally, with a very proud grin.

Crystal acts shocked, but her cheeks flared bright red. “You would never…” Crystal laughed.

“Oh wouldn’t I?” Rock giggled before taking a deep swig of her drink. Her face lit up like she’d suddenly thought of something. “How’s  _ that  _ going?”

Crystal pulled the sleeves of her shirt over her hands, though it wasn’t because she was at all cold. “Um- it’s fine, I’m dealing with it…” she answers with a shrug, distracting herself with the joint in her hand before she could get caught in a lie.

“So you’re like, over her?” Rock asks, suddenly sounding a lot more serious than she had a moment before.

Crystal nods. “I wasn’t really into her to begin with.” She says, though she realises she might have tried to backtrack a little too far as Rock raised an eyebrow at her.

“That’s an understatement.” She scoffs. “You were totally messed up about her a week ago.”

Crystal took a final pull of the joint and passed it back to her friend. “I think I was just overreacting, it’s not like anything ever happened between us…” She shrugged and tried to look as nonchalant as possible, hoping Rock wouldn’t see straight through her.

“Sure, sure…” Rock giggled, shaking her head. She threw the rest of her drink down her throat and took a while swallowing it all, pulling faces at the bitterness. “Hey, sweetie, would you be a lamb and grab me a beer from that icebox over there?” She asks with a sickeningly sweet smile and passes Crystal her empty cup.

Crystal laughed and got to her feet, gathering both cups together. “Anything for you, princess…”

The icebox was underneath a table put up just off the main deck. She tossed the cups in the trash can next to it and bent down to grab a couple beers. The box was pushed back a lot further than she had thought and Crystal had to crawl fully underneath it to reach them. There was a laugh suddenly from somewhere in the vicinity, a laugh she would recognise anywhere and she looked up immediately to search for the source of the sound. Her head smacked against the underside of the table, and she crawled out from underneath with a whine. She got to her feet as gracefully as she could, trying desperately not to draw attention to herself. 

Beers in hand, she scanned the crowd around her, before her eyes finally settled on Gigi. She was laughing and dancing with Nicky and some guy she didn’t recognise. She looked beautiful, but that came as no surprise. Crystal stood there utterly transfixed by the sight in front of her, her intoxicated brain scrambling to figure out what her next move was.

She could barely register what song was playing, but she thought she could stand there listening to it forever if it meant she got to watch Gigi dance. Her little pink dress had ridden up her thighs as her hips swayed to the music, and Crystal swallowed down an uncomfortable feeling she’d been getting a lot recently. Gigi looked away from her new friend and was gazing intently in her direction, it was enough to snap Crystal out of whatever daze she had been in and she nearly tripped over her own feet in her attempt to escape before she was caught staring. 

She made her way back to Rock in record time, who was still sitting on the steps waiting for her to return.

“What took you so long?” She asked with a raised eyebrow once Crystal sat back down next to her.

Crystal shook her head and handed one of the bottles to Rock. “I’m sorry I forgot to grab the bottle opener- I think I hit my head…” She rambled, looking past her friend to see if Gigi had noticed her sudden departure.

Rock laughed and smacked the lip of the bottle on the step, effectively popping the cap off. “It’s cool, I was a Girl Scout…” she said as she handed the open bottle to Crystal and did the same to the other one. “How did you hit your head?”

“I whacked it on the table…” Crystal answered with a light laugh, letting herself relax a little. She cast another glance over at where Gigi had been dancing, but couldn’t see her amongst her friends. Nicky was still dancing with the same guy, and she figured that Gigi may have left to give them some space.

“Aww, does it hurt?” Rock cooed, she had lit up another joint in the time it had taken Crystal to get back with the drinks, and held it out to her.

Crystal nodded with a little whine and took the joint from her friend, taking a long drag. “Yeah, a little…”

Rock giggled and reached down to grab her purse. “You want some pain relief?” She asked, with a manic grin.

“What do you mean- oh…” Crystal said with a laugh once she realised what she was referring to.

“It’s up to you, dude…” Rock shrugged. “It might help chill you out a little?” She pulled the little baggy out of her purse and held it up for Crystal to see, waving it back and forth like she was tempting her.

Crystal laughed and shook her head, but contemplated the offer for a minute. “What does it do?” She asks after a moment, studying the little red and blue pills.

Rock took a swig of her beer and placed the bottle to the side of her. “Well, it won’t actually chill you out, but it’ll sure help you have a great time…” she says as she pulls out one of the pills from the packet and bites it in half, swallowing it down with another swig out of her bottle. 

Crystal stared at her friend with wide eyes, wondering how on earth she could be so nonchalant about this. “That doesn’t really answer my question.” She says after a moment.

Rock wiggled where she sat, as she tried to think of the right words. “Um… it just like, makes you more confident and outgoing? I guess?” She slurred and shut her eyes for a minute. “Seriously though you can’t tell Jackie, she’d  _ actually kill me _ .” 

Crystal scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me.” She took a sip of her beer and puffed on the joint in her hand. Rock still had the little bag in her hand, and Crystal gave it one final evaluation before she shook her head. Whilst Rock looked like she was having a good time, it didn’t seem like it would last long. “It’s cool though, I think I’m good… and maybe we should put that away?”

Rock laughed and put it back into her purse. “Yeah, that’s probably for the best…” she said as she tried to lay back against the steps. 

Crystal watched as Rock closed her eyes and started humming along to whatever song was playing. “Are you okay down there?” She asked, just as Jackie stumbled upon them.

“I’ve been looking for you guys everywhere.” She said as she leant heavily against the railing, nearly spilling her drink. 

Crystal giggled and got to her feet. “I thought you were hooking up with some girl?” 

Jackie looked around her like she was expecting said girl to jump out at any moment. “I finally got away from her, I swear it’s like she was trying to kidnap me!”

Rock burst out laughing but kept her eyes closed. “Fucking… women, man…” She slurred, giggling as her head rolled to the side.

Jackie rolled her eyes and turned to Crystal. “Is she okay? What did she do?” She asked, suddenly straightening up. 

Crystal rests a hand on Jackie’s shoulder. “I think she’s good, she’s just been partying a little too hard…” She said and gave her a meaningful look.

“I’m so good! Don’t you worry ‘bout a thing!” Rock called out, before sitting up to reach for her beer. 

Jackie pulled it away from her and took Crystal’s seat on the steps next to her. Rock whined but ended up laughing as she wrapped an arm around Jackie. “That’s enough for now, baby. I think we should take a break for a minute…”

Crystal held the joint out to Jackie, who took it gladly. Rock was mumbling something incoherent between giggles, and Jackie sighed and looked up at Crystal. “I’m gonna stay and watch her for a minute, try to get her to drink some water.”

“Do you need me to get some?”

“No, it’s good, I have some in my bag.” She said as she pulled Rock’s head off the steps and on to her lap. “You should go enjoy the party though, I can take it from here.”

Crystal looked at Jackie then at Rock who was playing with Jackie’s necklaces. “I really don’t mind staying…”

Jackie laughed and shook her head. “Honestly, it’s fine. She’s gonna be up and bouncing off the walls in a minute, and I could use a sit down.”

Rock finally opened her eyes and giggled again. “Yeah, this is just my  _ artistic process _ …”

Crystal rolled her eyes and tried to protest, but Jackie assured her they would be fine. She said her brief goodbyes to the girls before she headed back to the main deck. The party was still very much in full swing, and Crystal doesn’t know why but suddenly she wasn’t in a very  _ party  _ mood. She contemplated turning back and staying with her friends, it wasn’t like she knew anyone else here, but she thinks that maybe Jackie had shooed her away for a reason.

She found herself heading down to the beach, the concrete steps were a lot bigger, and surprisingly more comfortable than the wooden ones she’d just vacated. She pulled out a cigarette from her pocket and sat quietly, letting the music and the chatter fade into the background, she gazed out across the sands. There were still plenty of people on the beach, a large group gathered by a makeshift fire pit, while a couple people drunkenly stumbled a little too close to the water's edge. The sound of the waves eased her aching head, and the darkness was a pleasant escape from the abundance of colourful lights strewn across the outside of the house. She’s not sure what time it was, it had already been dark when they had arrived but she was sure that must have been several hours ago now. There was a buzzing sound coming from inside her skull, and she thinks that she’d probably overdone it. Crystal slipped her jacket off her shoulders and set it to the side of her, the breeze on her skin made her shiver but she wasn’t cold enough to put it back on. 

She didn’t hear anyone approaching, but she’s all too aware of who had come to stand next to her when they made themselves known.

“Got a light?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, this is another 2 part chapter cause I didn’t want to rush into the action but the other half is coming soon I promise! ✨✨✨

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is always welcome! Thanks for reading loves! 💖


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